Outside in the sunshine

We have had three sunny days in a row. Not sunny like I remember down in Arizona, but typically up here in Washington, with clear skies comes frigid temperatures. Yesterday I managed to get out and split a little wood to haul in for my wood stove My intent today was to gather up small, twiggy stuff to get the fires started. Tomorrow is predicted to bring precipitation, the only question being whether it will be rain or snow, or both. Ice and snow remain on the ground for the past several days. My mood was somber and I knew I needed to be outside a bit, so bundled up in scarf, coat, hat and gloves to wonder around with an empty box and Emily and Sophia (my furry, kitty companions), choosing small blown down branches and breaking them up in small pieces. They break so easily when still frozen.

The fresh air felt invigorating and healing. Again, I felt this surge of gratitude to have my own home with about one-third acre to walk around. This is a lifelong dream that finally manifested for me just five years ago, My mortgage payment is so tiney, I could never find so lovely a place to rent. In this place, no one orders me around, and there is noarguing and fighting, only Love. This is my piece of Heaven, and I give thanks daily for this blessing.

I slipped into sadness yesterday after and while reading the TT posts about the hierarchy invading childhood. I could not join in because I have yet to find resolution and healing on this issue. How can I describe what I cannot remember? It was forced into my awareness as an adult and then various images and impressions began to come into consciousness that accounted for so much that has happened in my life. The details are not so important now accept to say that the sexual abuser was my own father, and my mother was the emotional and spiritual abuser. They are both gone now since 1997 and 1999, and I understand that it is not my responsibility to protect, teach, or nurture them. There are other beings to do that. Have I forgiven them? I don't know what exactly that means. I work to let them go their way and also strive not to continue the abuse in their stead.

This writing is mainly for my own benefit, but I need to add a strong appeal for everyone to understand that just because it happens to so many tiny tots, this is not a childhood disease. Today, at least there are some very fine therapists to work with children to ease their pain, and children are taught to know that such abuse is out there and encouraged to talk about it rather than trying to hide from it. Otherwise, it becomes a chronic pain that never goes away, or that can be outgrown.

Please draw and hold all who have suffered this abuse into our web of Love.