Hi All,
I would like some opinions on the importance of names. My daughter is getting married next year. We have an unusual surname and I thought it would be fun in this modern day and age, for her to add her name to her husband's when she gets married. She felt the same way about it.
Her fiance is quite adamant that he wants her to just take his name. I don't have an issue with it, it is purely their decision as to what they want to do. My daughter is quite strong willed, certainly no push over. She feels that, as her fiance has taken a definite stand on the matter, it is not worth arguing about.
I would be very interested in hearing the opinions and feelings on married women taking their husbands names, a combination, or whatever.
Lots of Love
Ursula
Hi Ursula,
I think your daughter is wise to not create a conflict over this issue.
In life-mate partnerships I favor the notion of each person keeping their family name, if they so choose. Moreover, I like the custom of giving young male offspring the surname of the father, while young female children are given that of their mother.
I also think the taking of a name can be quite powerful. (I wasn't born
with the name Bodhi, for example.) Therefore I believe that it is beneficial for children, as they come into young adulthood, to be empowered to take the name of their choice, whatever that may be. Pretty crazy, huh?
Good question! I'm eager to hear what other folks have to say!
In joy and love,
Bodhi
Thanks for those interesting comments. I hope we get some more response. It could be just an interesting topic!
Love U
i suppose i'm wondering why he is adamant that she not keep her own name as well as take his?
we come into the world and bear our names for along time before we enter into marriage.
i kept my name for then professional reasons, even though it was against my husbands wishes and
he has never really understood my doing so-it was not a great source of contention though-and i
dont understand why it should be. is it an issue of control? if so, i would be concerned about that.
when we marry we shouldnt lose our identity to another, we should meld a shared identity together and revel in the growth that happens when we learn from two to become one. we shouldn't give up who we are in the process though. i guess my question would be what are his reasons, on a very fundamental level, for not wanting her to be who she is?
Dear Onesong,
That is a very complex question to answer. South Africa until a few years ago was a very paternelistic society ruled by the Dutch Reformed Church. We are quite isolated from the rest of the first world countries (even though we are not really first wordl) and a lot of changes take quite some time to filter through. My daughters fiance is a really super young man. He has a great job, organised a really romantic engagement (asked my permission and asked me to help choose a ring!), but there is something very old-fashioned in his upbringing. His mom is VERY religious and that upbringing still resonates very strongly to the extent that the alternative therapies we practise are strange.
So, no, it is not controlling in that he needs to show his superiorty or prove his manhood, it is more a case of upbringing and conditioning. Luckily my daughter is very focussed and centred and she does not find this challenging or important enough to take a stand on it.
I just found it an interesting topic and wanted to find out the opinion my fellow members hold on the subject.
I am not looking for a solution nor is it a scary scenario, it is just interesting to me to find out the views held by different people and nationalities.
Love U
--- Post removed at author's request ---
Hi Ursula,
I hyphenated my name alongside my husband's because he wouldn't have married me if I didn't. (This was 25 years ago.) He just felt horribly threatened by the whole idea of my keeping my name. His mother was aghast.I decided to go along with it, because I loved him, but it never felt comfortable to me. I liked my own name! After seven years of marriage he "gave my name back" as a Christmas present. He said his manhood no longer depended on my carrying his moniker. (!) Our child carries both our surnames (hyphenated) as a last name.
This last fall my niece got married. Her fiance asked my brother if he could assume our family name because he really liked it and his name was very common (Smith). Wow! And my niece wore a bright red wedding dress! They did things exactly the way they wanted to and don't give a rat's ass what anyone else thinks about it. :) Good for them.
It's all very ticklish isn't it. Funny, if I got married again I would be able to assume someone else's name without a problem if it was important to them. I simply don't care anymore because I don't feel particularly identified with any name anymore.
Thanks Fairyfarmgirl for your input. Like the name fairyfarmgirl too!
Thanks Sophie, I think that is how my daughter feels about it. She used to feel she wanted to keep her name, but she says now it really does not matter to her. He has a nice surname too, so it is no issue.
I just thought this would make for an interesting discussion and it is lovely getting everyone's input.
Come on guys, lets hear it from you!!!
Love U
--- Post removed at author's request ---
... well, a whole lot. Just as words are powerful, so are names. Everything that has been said so far has been so interesting.
When I got divorced I decided to legally change my whole name. I set on a name finding quest. Instead of Kathy I wanted to be called Kate. Didn't much care for my middle name or any for that matter. Didn't want to keep my married name for several reasons-didn't feel part of the marriage any more even though it was an amicable divorce (we had properties and used the same lawyer! No fights ever!), name when spoken was too nasal (what kind of a reason is that even though every time I said it or heard it in the 13 years that we were married it didn't quite sit well), wanted to get on with my life. Didn't want to go back to my maiden name because nobody could spell or pronounce it, decided that I had already had done my "time" with it already (not to mention the years of treatment that I endured while wearing that name), and I was ready for something new.
While meditating about a new name, a vision of something that had happened several years previous came to me. I was standing across the room from a friend in a Houston metaphysical bookstore. She held up a book and asked if I had read it. No. The book was titled The Quimby Manuscripts. When I visualize I feel or sense and hardly actually see when my eyes are closed. But this time I saw her and the book very clearly in meditation. I found the book and started to read it and felt a kinship with Phineas Parkhurst Quimby right away and wanted to improve my healing abilities. I then did a numerological study and found that Kate Quimby had the same number that my birth certificate name had. It just was right.
At a metaphysical meeting there was a automatic writing teacher who had us use our non-dominate hand to write a question to anyone we wanted and let the hand write that person's response. I wrote to PP Quimby and asked how he felt about me choosing his name. At the end of the letter came these words, "Whenever you need me just call out OUR name." I still get goose bumps.
Now to show just how powerful names are in my birth family. I had been apart from my family for a few years and went to see them with several announcements of my new personage.
1. Divorce from husband was mutual and amicable.
2. Living with a man much older than myself.
3. Sober in AA.
4. Attending the Science of Mind Church (synonymous with cult in bible belt)
5. Legally changed my whole name to something else.
Now that's a lot to lay on parents, especially when we didn't really see each other more than say once a year or two. Dad was not too happy with any of that but when I told him that I had not gone back to the family name but picked some other name, he came unglued. That was 23 years ago and my family and almost all of my relatives refuse to call me Kate Quimby.
I have not regretted changing/picking my name at all and feel that anyone at anytime feel free to choose whatever name they want. If I do get married again, and I am open to that with the right partner, I plan on keeping my name that feels so right to me.
Every one is unique and has her/his own preferences/loves/goals and so it is.
Namaste to you and your family. When's the wedding?
--- Post removed at author's request ---
Thank you Brother Windbear, for sharing the gentle wisdom of this lovely story!
In gratitude,
Bodhi
Beloved Sister Kate Quimby!
What a beautiful name! Thank you for sharing this piece of your transformation story. I feel privileged to witness your power, your vision, your dream made manifest. It's truly sad your family of orgin and relatives feel challenged in embracing your identity. They will awaken in time. Meanwhile, know that we of your spirit family are cheering you onward and upward.
Espavo! (Ancient Lemurian for "Thank you for standing in your power")
In gratitude, joy, and love,
Bodhi
--- Post removed at author's request ---
I found a line in your post above that makes me feel very confident your daughter will be just fine no matter what: You said, "Luckily my daughter is very focused and centred, and she does not find this challenging or important enough to take a stand on it." While reading all this comment on this subject I was reminded of what John Perkins said, or rather, what the Shaman Priest said to John when they got to the United States (for the first time for this priest). He said, "Why haven't the women told the men to stop cutting down the trees yet?" And he was dead serious! Where he is from the women create balance by telling the men when they have cut down enough trees and hunted/provided enough meat. We here in the West have gotten so far away from this simple balancing act that us men have unrealistic notions of patriarchal rights/duties. We would all do well to take a close look at any social structure that encourages the ongoing balance found when male and female work side by side.
Hope that made since,
Chris
--- Post removed at author's request ---
I have 12 times change my name.... most of them given by those around me... but I prefer to choose my own divine name... the last 3 was my own choice...^^ hahaha.... I don't agree with Shakespeare in this case, for me, our name give us direction on who and how we will reach our destiny... I prefer to run my own destiny... Family name is important... it's a part of long term identity given by ancestor.... We should take care of our ancestor's 'mission' or can I said that as 'divine' order? I don't know exactly, haha...
I have ever lost my own identity for yeaaaaars.... trust me, it's so not nice.....
With Love and Empowerment,
Michael
Post removed
Post removed