TUE APR 23, 2013 AT 10:03 AM PDT
Dear Anti-American Terrorists
Far be it for me to tell you your business, but every time you people set out on one of your missions it wastes a lot of my tax dollars and forces me to listen to people like Rush Limbaugh work themselves up to orgasmic glee now that they have something to talk about for the next month.
OK, if your purpose is to kill Americans, lots of Americans, and not have the FBI or the U.S. Marine Corp breathing down your neck, or having to worry about a drone with your name on it, you are going to have to start killing Americans in a socially acceptable fashion.
Simply put, you must become a American businessman.
American businessman routinely kills tens of thousands of Americans every year and suffer little to no consequences for their efforts. Why go after a paltry handful of people here and there, when you can kill thousands and sicken tens of thousands every year by simply getting into the meat processing business?
Not into messing with farm animals? Get into the oil drilling business. While it would only allow you to kill a few dozen people here and there with platform explosions, you get to pollute thousands of square miles of land and sea, destroying the American ecosystem, and exposing tens or even hundreds of thousands of men, women and children to carcinogens, ensuring slow, expensive and agonizing deaths in the future. Don't want to drill for oil? Well then there is the oil refinery business, which gives you opportunities for annual explosions killing dozens, perhaps hundreds, while polluting the air and shortening the lives of thousands.
And if you want wholesale slaughter on a daily basis, with laws that actually PROTECT you from legal or criminal punishment, you cannot go wrong starting your own handgun and assault rifle company. Republican and Democratic congressman will actually fight, tooth and nail, for your right to sell unlimited weapons to any psychopath out there (including terrorists who still want to go about their job "old school"). By opening up your own arms factory, you can get in on the deaths of 30,000+ Americans per year. Imagine that! TEN 9/11 attacks per year worth of deaths with no concerns about Navy SEALS kicking your door in and shooting you in the face (though we would advise against any hunting trips with Dick Cheney).
And you make money to boot!
Lots of American death, maiming and suffering is yours for the taking when you become a "captain of industry". The worse thing you will ever face, no matter how many Americans you kill, is a token fine that is a fraction of a single day's profit.
So, put away those bomb making recipes and suicide vests, and grab your part of the "American Dream" Kill Americans with no real punishment or consequence and make money while you do.
Of course, we know that the biggest terrorist is our own government (its agencies), not foreign folks. But your point about business being responsible for many deaths is well taken.