Press Release: The New Age Goes into Retirement

People all over the world are reacting with shock, disbelief and also relief at last week's announcement that the New Age has decided to go into retirement.

"Was it something we did?" sobbed Rainbowchild Dewdrop Flower into her organic coconut milk chai, outside her tipi here in Nevada County, California. "Did we not chant fervently enough? Were our prayer flags not plentiful enough? Were our affirmations too predictable and clichéd?"

In fact, the New Age came of age in the late '60s, and, just like many other baby boomers, is ready to collect Social Security and to retire to Key West, Florida. The New Age has just gotten old, that's all. Ol' New Age plans to live out the rest of its years hanging out in all-you-can-eat steak and shrimp bars, and drinking margaritas during Happy Hour. "I've been in this gig way too long, bro," said New Age recently to a close confidante. "Heck, even my inner child is married with kids and a dog and shit now. I tell ya, I've eaten enough tofu and sprouts, and worn enough tie-dye for one life time. I deserve to live out the rest of my days in peace. Nah, forget peace. I'm ready to be loud and gross."

So how does the announcement of New Age's retirement affect the average recovering hippie, like you or me?

Here is a handy quick-tip guide to how last week's announcement might affect your daily routine.

1. Moving forwards, "Howerya Doin," "Aloha," " Wazzurp Dawg," "How Do You Do?" and "Namaste" are all considered to be equally reverential means of greeting anybody.

2. If you've been living on a diet of brown rice, seaweed, Bragg's Amino Acid and coconut water, the word's out, you can relax now. New scientific studies reveal that even eating recycled cardboard can be good for your health, if you stop worrying, and eat what is in front of you with gratitude.

3. If you spent the last years trying to manifest "prosperity," "abundance," or "financial freedom," the game plan has officially changed. More than 2 billion people live on less than a dollar a day. So if you are a lucky dog, with a warm place to sleep, food to eat and friends around you, your next step is to think about how to help other people.

4. If you've been channeling Archangel Michael, the Pleiades, or Elvis, its time to cut it out. From here forward your responsibility is simply to connect the words that come out of your mouth with the thoughts and feelings that are passing inside of you. Codeword: honesty. Known to lead to: intimacy.

5. If you spent the last several decades immersed in the traditions and religion of a culture other than the one into which you were born, its time to get back to our roots. For example, for many of us the Lord's prayer, Psalm 23, or Shakespeare may be worth a revisit. If you are Jewish, call you mother.

6. If you've been collecting eagle feathers, owl feathers or rabbits feet, please return them immediately. Word on the street is that the eagles are getting chilly and pissed off.

7. If you are entertaining hopes of getting chummy with visitors on a UFO, fuggedaboutit. A recent survey of 1037 randomly selected aliens, conducted by Pew Research, asked who they would be most likely to visit, if wanting more contact with human beings. From the four multiple-choice options, 63% selected Nobel prize-winning scientists. 19% selected elected leaders of nations. 17% chose leaders of indigenous peoples. And 0.8% selected people holding hands and humming.

8. If you've developed a fondness for spending time with people of a "high vibration," or have been avoiding people with "negative energy," this will no longer be necessary. Your mission on earth will be accomplished here by paying close attention to whoever happens to be right in front of you.

9. If you've been collecting crystals or other sacred objects, you can expand your horizons. With the retirement of the New Age, any object whatsoever will become immediately sacred when you look at it with fresh eyes.

10. Most important. Listen up, people. If you've been participating in drumming circles after 10 PM within a mile of anyone trying to sleep, please stop. Please, please, I beg you please, stop. It's 2 o'clock in the f**king morning, dude.

Of course everyone had a lot of unanswered questions about what comes next. We've got space just for a few of them here.

Question: Does this mean I can get a refund on my aura-balancing organic Chi enhancer, attuned to dolphin mating sounds?

Answer: No.

Question: So who is in fact the true Avataar come to save planet Earth?

Answer: You are. Splash some cold water on your face, and get busy.

Question: Now that the New Age is officially over, what is the next evolutionary step for humanity?

Answer: Sanity.