Hey beautiful friends,
A week ago I had the most powerful journey of my life using a powerful sacred medicine. It was incredibly terrifying, awesome, and immensely profound all at the same time. I'm sharing below notes I've written about the journey. There are some serious expletives and challenging thoughts and it is not very well arranged, so if this writing doesn't resonate for you, please just ignore it. And I welcome thoughts from any interested. The intention I set for going into this journey was to understand more about the veil between the worlds, and to open to the next level of learning and expansion. Take care and have a beautiful weekend.
With much love and deep gratitude for life here on planet Earth,
Journey Notes: A Trip to the Eternal on Nov. 2, 2013
I was fuckin' terrified of a state of eternal bliss! That was a new experience for me.
I feared greatly that if I surrendered to that state of bliss, the entire physical world and universe would cease to exist.
As I am intimately interconnected with all beings, if I allow myself to see and understand everything all at once -- as I sense was being offered to me -- everyone else would also then very quickly see and understand everything. That means that in no time we would recognize all of our weaknesses and correct them. I feared this would cause us very quickly to then merge together all as one, losing all individuality. Then the entire game of life as we know it would be gone.
Another way of saying this is that if the veil suddenly dissipated, which is how it felt during the journey, then everyone would know everything, and in short order all problems would be cleared up. All fragment would then rapidly be pulled together, like being drawn into a black hole, thus creating the scenario for the next big bang. And it was all happening way too fast. So though I want transformation, I want it at a much slower pace. For right now I want and choose the game as we have already co-created it. I choose this life here on planet Earth.
I don't want to destroy/collapse this experiment. I need all of us to help me/us to gradually shift the experiment in the right time towards a way that supports all of us in whatever is best, even though right now it's scary to look at that.
I have looked into the eyes of infinity and come back afraid and with the utmost respect of my/our power. I am greatly humbled by this experience.
How much is best for me/us to know?
In that timeless space of infinite potential, all history and all memory is not anywhere in my awareness, yet obviously it's somehow still there or I wouldn't be back here now.
As I didn't want us all to just merge back into one consciousness for all eternity, I struggled mightily to get my consciousness back in my body. I desperately wanted physical pressure to help me do that.
Even though there was no sense of space or time, I was aware of the consciousness of my friends in a place adjacent to my consciousness, but I didn't have awareness of any other consciousnesses or anything else. It was as if the universe as I/we know it did not exist.
It felt like a radiating, pulsing gyroscopic scene in brilliant shades of yellow and orange to which I was being invited to surrender. Yet my fear was that if I surrendered, all consciousness would then be eternally exploring that state, and all solidity and sense of time would be lost. If I surrendered, I feared my friends would also come with me and we would all just merge into one beingness, losing the value of our separateness in the experience of life.
I was definitely battling myself on this one. I wasn't fighting any external demons or beings. My own fear of surrender was my greatest challenge.
Spirit of the sacred medicines, please help me to do whatever is best for all of us. I can see now why I/we are afraid of really opening to that. May I have compassion for my own fear and the fear of all of us.
I open to the wisdom of the masters in helping me/us to integrate, to preserve our uniqueness, yet to find ways to dance together in ever greater harmony.
My fear of the darkness seems to be dissipating as in this moment I more fear the light and my own knowledge. I fear being stuck alone as one consciousness in infinity. I want to dance with all of you, with all of us. Right now I don't want to transform too fast. Help us to preserve and honor what we've all co-created. Please, to all of you, help me/us to stay individuated and learn better to dance with each other.
Help me to remember only whatever is best for me to remember from this experience. I trust myself and trust us that we can do this together. Help me/us to honor the sacred medicines as incredibly powerful teachers.
I truly fear that if I take too much of the sacred medicines, I could screw up this entire huge experiment, because I see how powerful I am in that space and it scares the shit out of me. I don't want to do screw anything up. I find myself fearing true enlightenment, as I don't want us all to return to and disintegrate into oneness. I want us all to find a way to better dance together as sovereign integrals.
A part of me even fears breathing sacred love now in my still expanded state of awareness, as I don't want things to shift too rapidly. If I allow others to step up and help with the shift, I can trust that they will empower themselves and step ever more into their magnificence.
Please, all of you, help me to integrate the knowledge and understanding I gained from this most mind-blowing, consciousness-expanding journey. I so want to preserve the unique and precious beauty of each of us even as I become more conscious. I don't want my individuated consciousness to somehow expand into the oneness in a way that disintegrates all the other beings I/we have co-created.
I want all of us as to open and expand our consciousness together to become magicians. Maybe the best role I can play it that of seeing and evoking the divine beauty and magnificence in every being.
We are all manifestations of the divine getting to know and experience itself through us. Let us open ever more to allowing that core divine energy to flow through us, so that our dance together might become ever more rich and harmonious.
As I/we take ever more responsibility for everything that happens in our world, the sacred energies flow ever more fully through us, allowing us to experience the joy and bliss of knowing on ever deeper levels the interconnectedness of us all.
It is really scary to take on that much responsibility, yet if we all bear it together, we can help to balance the divine forces of the universe.
The conservatives don't want us to move too fast. They want to enjoy life as it is, even with all its challenges. The liberals want change now. They focus on the future, wanting to change it/us for the better. Am I becoming more conservative?
I don't want to focus on money or sex. Whenever I feel the energy get strange around either of these, it's time to step back, take a deep breath, and look at the big picture.
I want to stay grounded in this reality, while at the same time allowing the divine energies to flow through me in whatever way is best for all of us.
The journey also brought up the most existential questions about the void. Why does life exist? Why does anything exist? Is this all some kind of projecting mechanism the responds perfectly to the beliefs of each fragment of consciousness? But why is there even consciousness in the first place? Where did it come from? Is there something even beyond consciousness, or is there simply a void? Yet I am here, so there is no ultimate void. Somehow thinking about all of this, and especially experiencing it to some extent on the medicine, causes the feeling of an aching pit in my solar plexus. What is the ultimate meaning of it all? Is there any ultimate meaning to it all? How can there be?
Even when I'm back in this physical reality, that place or dimension feels more real than this one, which makes it all the more daunting to consider going back there.
Tilden run 11/5/13
I invite everyone who is ready to help all of us - every one - to remember ever more our inner beauty, divinity, and magnificence.
We've got both dialectic polarity (sex, war) and big bang shattering going on.
Mom, dad inheritance causing greed in me - led to serious altered state.
Set up new priorities, sacred medicines, altered/expanded states.
Islands/nodes of highly expanded consciousness would be wise to be careful of guru trap.
Be courageous, yet also trust my intuition is opening to what's best.
Trees represent stillness, while humans represent movement, though a balance in the two is beneficial.
There are many, many temptations to put service to self over service to all.
Don't get lost i in the temptation to obsess with how evil we can get.
Did the veil create or allow for evil?
We can energetically join hands and heart by dropping beneath physical reality.
The better we raise our kids, the better it will be for all of us.
I don't need sex, but it adds a beautiful intensity.
It's scary to wake up/expand in such a big way, but I want to for all of us.
I want to help undo the suffering I/we created.
I know I am infinitely powerful, but I'm afraid of my power, because I don't fully trust myself.
I know we are infinitely powerful, but we're afraid of our power, because we don't fully trust ourselves.
And for good reason! I want us to remember what I/we did!!!
I didn't mean to hurt anybody, but I really did!
I personally played a part in creating the perceived hell you are experiencing, and I want to help you shift if you are open to it.
I/we fuckin' scared ourselves big time!!!
I don't want to get lost in the bliss of partnership. I am here for all of us.
Knowing me and my deepest intentions, please let me know how I can help you to help all of us.
Right now, a part of me is the universe talking to itself.
I would so love for all of us to help activate each other to expand to the next level. I invite whoever is interested to join in this.
The power elite are convinced that they are superior, and therefore deserve much greater riches and power.
The more you know you are special, the less you need me to make you special.
We are all fragments of the same greater consciousness looking at itself and experiencing itself through different eyes and souls.
We are all fragments of me looking at myself and experiencing myself through different eyes and souls.
On an unconscious level, we are actively involved in co-creating both the more condensed and the more rarified energetic fields and realities around us all the time. When we enter into meditation or dive into altered states of consciousness (sacred medicines, dance, breathwork, etc.), we access fields of vibration outside of our normal reality where we can create vibrational waves which have an ever broader impact on the reality around us.
As the one consciousness/me chose to create/recreate physical reality in order to experience itself through otherness, it felt as if I/this consciousness draped a huge cloth around itself, thus creating physical reality. It created separation in this cloth and fragmented itself into a gazillion parts, Each of these parts has a soul as a fragment of its divine source and eyes through which I/the one consciousness can see and experience itself. So the entire physical universe and all individuated beings in it is an overlay on top of a great single consciousness through which I/that consciousness created a game to explore and experience itself.
The veil of forgetting was created in order to make the experience of physical reality much more real and potent. If all fragments remembered their divinity, it likely was found that it is much harder for these individual fragments to learn and grow into unique fragments of the greater whole. Yet the intention of the entire experiment is for each fragment eventually to remember it's divine source and recognize this divine source in every other fragment, so that this original source can then consciously direct it's own creation through all of the individuated fragments it created.
Ultimately there is only here and now. We are stuck in this moment for all eternity, so we might as well relax, get used to it, and learn how to enjoy the game. I suspect this is what the original source of all of this wanted when it created the game. And the more all of us open to the core divinity in ourselves and in all around us, the more the Divine can experience itself through us as we also enjoy experiencing that Divine force within us. Very wild and trippy stuff!!! Yet it somehow makes sense to me.