Incredibly Intense Journey

Hey beautiful friends,

A week ago I had the most powerful journey of my life using a powerful sacred medicine. It was incredibly terrifying, awesome, and immensely profound all at the same time. I'm sharing below notes I've written about the journey. There are some serious expletives and challenging thoughts and it is not very well arranged, so if this writing doesn't resonate for you, please just ignore it. And I welcome thoughts from any interested. The intention I set for going into this journey was to understand more about the veil between the worlds, and to open to the next level of learning and expansion. Take care and have a beautiful weekend.

With much love and deep gratitude for life here on planet Earth,


Journey Notes: A Trip to the Eternal on Nov. 2, 2013

I was fuckin' terrified of a state of eternal bliss! That was a new experience for me.

I feared greatly that if I surrendered to that state of bliss, the entire physical world and universe would cease to exist.

As I am intimately interconnected with all beings, if I allow myself to see and understand everything all at once -- as I sense was being offered to me -- everyone else would also then very quickly see and understand everything. That means that in no time we would recognize all of our weaknesses and correct them. I feared this would cause us very quickly to then merge together all as one, losing all individuality. Then the entire game of life as we know it would be gone.

Another way of saying this is that if the veil suddenly dissipated, which is how it felt during the journey, then everyone would know everything, and in short order all problems would be cleared up. All fragment would then rapidly be pulled together, like being drawn into a black hole, thus creating the scenario for the next big bang. And it was all happening way too fast. So though I want transformation, I want it at a much slower pace. For right now I want and choose the game as we have already co-created it. I choose this life here on planet Earth.

I don't want to destroy/collapse this experiment. I need all of us to help me/us to gradually shift the experiment in the right time towards a way that supports all of us in whatever is best, even though right now it's scary to look at that.

I have looked into the eyes of infinity and come back afraid and with the utmost respect of my/our power. I am greatly humbled by this experience.

How much is best for me/us to know?

In that timeless space of infinite potential, all history and all memory is not anywhere in my awareness, yet obviously it's somehow still there or I wouldn't be back here now.

As I didn't want us all to just merge back into one consciousness for all eternity, I struggled mightily to get my consciousness back in my body. I desperately wanted physical pressure to help me do that.

Even though there was no sense of space or time, I was aware of the consciousness of my friends in a place adjacent to my consciousness, but I didn't have awareness of any other consciousnesses or anything else. It was as if the universe as I/we know it did not exist.

It felt like a radiating, pulsing gyroscopic scene in brilliant shades of yellow and orange to which I was being invited to surrender. Yet my fear was that if I surrendered, all consciousness would then be eternally exploring that state, and all solidity and sense of time would be lost. If I surrendered, I feared my friends would also come with me and we would all just merge into one beingness, losing the value of our separateness in the experience of life.

I was definitely battling myself on this one. I wasn't fighting any external demons or beings. My own fear of surrender was my greatest challenge.

Spirit of the sacred medicines, please help me to do whatever is best for all of us. I can see now why I/we are afraid of really opening to that. May I have compassion for my own fear and the fear of all of us.

I open to the wisdom of the masters in helping me/us to integrate, to preserve our uniqueness, yet to find ways to dance together in ever greater harmony.

My fear of the darkness seems to be dissipating as in this moment I more fear the light and my own knowledge. I fear being stuck alone as one consciousness in infinity. I want to dance with all of you, with all of us. Right now I don't want to transform too fast. Help us to preserve and honor what we've all co-created. Please, to all of you, help me/us to stay individuated and learn better to dance with each other.

Help me to remember only whatever is best for me to remember from this experience. I trust myself and trust us that we can do this together. Help me/us to honor the sacred medicines as incredibly powerful teachers.

I truly fear that if I take too much of the sacred medicines, I could screw up this entire huge experiment, because I see how powerful I am in that space and it scares the shit out of me. I don't want to do screw anything up. I find myself fearing true enlightenment, as I don't want us all to return to and disintegrate into oneness. I want us all to find a way to better dance together as sovereign integrals.

A part of me even fears breathing sacred love now in my still expanded state of awareness, as I don't want things to shift too rapidly. If I allow others to step up and help with the shift, I can trust that they will empower themselves and step ever more into their magnificence.

Please, all of you, help me to integrate the knowledge and understanding I gained from this most mind-blowing, consciousness-expanding journey. I so want to preserve the unique and precious beauty of each of us even as I become more conscious. I don't want my individuated consciousness to somehow expand into the oneness in a way that disintegrates all the other beings I/we have co-created.

I want all of us as to open and expand our consciousness together to become magicians. Maybe the best role I can play it that of seeing and evoking the divine beauty and magnificence in every being.

We are all manifestations of the divine getting to know and experience itself through us. Let us open ever more to allowing that core divine energy to flow through us, so that our dance together might become ever more rich and harmonious.

As I/we take ever more responsibility for everything that happens in our world, the sacred energies flow ever more fully through us, allowing us to experience the joy and bliss of knowing on ever deeper levels the interconnectedness of us all.

It is really scary to take on that much responsibility, yet if we all bear it together, we can help to balance the divine forces of the universe.

The conservatives don't want us to move too fast. They want to enjoy life as it is, even with all its challenges. The liberals want change now. They focus on the future, wanting to change it/us for the better. Am I becoming more conservative?

I don't want to focus on money or sex. Whenever I feel the energy get strange around either of these, it's time to step back, take a deep breath, and look at the big picture.

I want to stay grounded in this reality, while at the same time allowing the divine energies to flow through me in whatever way is best for all of us.

The journey also brought up the most existential questions about the void. Why does life exist? Why does anything exist? Is this all some kind of projecting mechanism the responds perfectly to the beliefs of each fragment of consciousness? But why is there even consciousness in the first place? Where did it come from? Is there something even beyond consciousness, or is there simply a void? Yet I am here, so there is no ultimate void. Somehow thinking about all of this, and especially experiencing it to some extent on the medicine, causes the feeling of an aching pit in my solar plexus. What is the ultimate meaning of it all? Is there any ultimate meaning to it all? How can there be?

Even when I'm back in this physical reality, that place or dimension feels more real than this one, which makes it all the more daunting to consider going back there.

Tilden run 11/5/13

I invite everyone who is ready to help all of us - every one - to remember ever more our inner beauty, divinity, and magnificence.
We've got both dialectic polarity (sex, war) and big bang shattering going on.
Mom, dad inheritance causing greed in me - led to serious altered state.
Set up new priorities, sacred medicines, altered/expanded states.
Islands/nodes of highly expanded consciousness would be wise to be careful of guru trap.
Be courageous, yet also trust my intuition is opening to what's best.
Trees represent stillness, while humans represent movement, though a balance in the two is beneficial.
There are many, many temptations to put service to self over service to all.
Don't get lost i in the temptation to obsess with how evil we can get.
Did the veil create or allow for evil?
We can energetically join hands and heart by dropping beneath physical reality.
The better we raise our kids, the better it will be for all of us.
I don't need sex, but it adds a beautiful intensity.
It's scary to wake up/expand in such a big way, but I want to for all of us.
I want to help undo the suffering I/we created.
I know I am infinitely powerful, but I'm afraid of my power, because I don't fully trust myself.
I know we are infinitely powerful, but we're afraid of our power, because we don't fully trust ourselves.
And for good reason! I want us to remember what I/we did!!!
I didn't mean to hurt anybody, but I really did!
I personally played a part in creating the perceived hell you are experiencing, and I want to help you shift if you are open to it.
I/we fuckin' scared ourselves big time!!!
I don't want to get lost in the bliss of partnership. I am here for all of us.
Knowing me and my deepest intentions, please let me know how I can help you to help all of us.
Right now, a part of me is the universe talking to itself.
I would so love for all of us to help activate each other to expand to the next level. I invite whoever is interested to join in this.
The power elite are convinced that they are superior, and therefore deserve much greater riches and power.
The more you know you are special, the less you need me to make you special.
We are all fragments of the same greater consciousness looking at itself and experiencing itself through different eyes and souls.
We are all fragments of me looking at myself and experiencing myself through different eyes and souls.

On an unconscious level, we are actively involved in co-creating both the more condensed and the more rarified energetic fields and realities around us all the time. When we enter into meditation or dive into altered states of consciousness (sacred medicines, dance, breathwork, etc.), we access fields of vibration outside of our normal reality where we can create vibrational waves which have an ever broader impact on the reality around us.

As the one consciousness/me chose to create/recreate physical reality in order to experience itself through otherness, it felt as if I/this consciousness draped a huge cloth around itself, thus creating physical reality. It created separation in this cloth and fragmented itself into a gazillion parts, Each of these parts has a soul as a fragment of its divine source and eyes through which I/the one consciousness can see and experience itself. So the entire physical universe and all individuated beings in it is an overlay on top of a great single consciousness through which I/that consciousness created a game to explore and experience itself.

The veil of forgetting was created in order to make the experience of physical reality much more real and potent. If all fragments remembered their divinity, it likely was found that it is much harder for these individual fragments to learn and grow into unique fragments of the greater whole. Yet the intention of the entire experiment is for each fragment eventually to remember it's divine source and recognize this divine source in every other fragment, so that this original source can then consciously direct it's own creation through all of the individuated fragments it created.

Ultimately there is only here and now. We are stuck in this moment for all eternity, so we might as well relax, get used to it, and learn how to enjoy the game. I suspect this is what the original source of all of this wanted when it created the game. And the more all of us open to the core divinity in ourselves and in all around us, the more the Divine can experience itself through us as we also enjoy experiencing that Divine force within us. Very wild and trippy stuff!!! Yet it somehow makes sense to me.

Oriole's picture

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Amazing post!

Deep thanks for sharing . . . . .

            What got me thinking was when you felt scared of the ultimate unity we deeply desire and seek.  You wrote:

“So though I want transformation, I want it at a much slower pace.”

            I have questions not answers. 

Perhaps it has to be like a bubble of isolation popping.  Without that final Pop, we imagine unity with All, and that feels great.  But to actually Be All? Does that really mean we are no longer conscious as individuals?  Probably.  Would you have actually died to become Transformed into All That Is?  Was that your fear?  I wish I knew what the result of going for it ALL would have been!!  You decided to continue playing the game, for all that it brings for good and for ill.

            Alternatively if you went for it, what would the outcome be?

Perhaps alive and blissing right in the 4th, yet still in a body, blessing All constantly without effort.  All knowing, All loving. All healing. 

fredburks's picture

Yes, my fear was that if I surrendered to it All, I would literally become the All and my individuated self along with all the other individuated selves in the universe would merge back into one, thereby defeating the purpose of this entire grand experiment we've co-created. I did not want that.

As to the question would that have actually happened if I really did surrender, I suspect not. Though I know I have infinite power within - as we all do - I don't think I have the ability to destroy the whole experiment. Maybe that was just my ego and arrogance blown way out of proportion. Thanks for your great questions and thoughts.

With deep love and warm wishes,

Starmonkey's picture

Sounds pretty intense, Fred!  Maybe you should email Ross Heaven as he's had lots of different experiences with shamans and medicines around the world...

I've had a few times on salvia where I held on and didn't let go.  And one time when I did.  And many times on lcd and mushrooms where I was synched with nature and then one when I went way beyond that.  And a couple times on ayahuasca (Daime ritual), one of which was more expansive.

Quick break-down as I see it.  You wouldn't have affected others realities except those in your immediate vicinity energetically.  If you ended or altered your experience, it would have had a ripple effect on the rest and on all of your holographic associations and projections and the appropriate connections/relationships to those beings or models, but "sovereignity" means just that, and you can't selfishly decide for everyone else where they are at in their journeyings.  It's different if we choose to be part of some shared event, then we are all bringing ourselves to the table.

I think it is a good sign you had that concern for yourself, others and all of creation.  It shows your level of care and responsibility to the universe.  Sounds to me like those 3 precepts are part of who you are now, but you still may not trust the power in the "light side" as being equal to or greater than the power in the "dark side".  Or you may have the correct notion that it is so much greater and terrible and that's why the "dark side" has always lusted for power for power's sake.

Also why women are inherently so much more powerful when immersed in their gifts, and why it fails when they try to behave like men.  It's also why the face of the Goddess remains veiled.  Sure, of course it's "sacred", but it also might drive some of us out of our minds to behold it.  Kali.  Intense.

What you stood on the threshold of also shows the saving grace of it all and how it will all be assimilated back into itself, but individualities with gifts or insights to navigating parts of it (especially down here) will be invaluable to continued balance and harmony.  We didn't come this far just for "game over" or somebody to hit "reset" or pull the plug, but there's definitely some trepidation in coming into our power.

But, think about it.  Expanding more into our other 2 (who knows how to qualify it really) senses is a leap of faith of sorts.  And scary.  Telepathy and telekenesis are the order of business.  In whatever fashion and capability one will manifest them in.  But being to freely travel the astral realm, the mental and emotional thoroughfares and all they entail is a daunting enterprise and one not to be taken lightly.  And control of matter?  Shut up!  We could get ourselves into all kinds of trouble with that one.  ;)

Technically every "super power" can be broken down into those two categories.  Mind and matter.  Which are really just one category...  Then you bring in the different elements and our affinities or aversions to them.  It branches out from there.

With all of our shared experiences, we become of greater service to one another and the whole.  My levels and modes of interface are different than yours.  You have the ability to connect to some types that I don't and vice versa.  We can only aid and assist one another in this transformation.  If your "Bodhisattva" program running at the base of your system felt threatened to continue ("consciously") in a manner that your soul had chosen, then you were right to "halt the experiment" or "pull the plug".  Too much, too fast.

And the other part of it that I have also felt when on the verge of something so profound, is that sometimes an experience can take us beyond and then it becomes hard to come back down to earth and associate with it all.  And, as shamans, we have the gifts and the responsibility to try and process these visions and journeys for the rest of the people.  So we have the unenviable position of having to remain on the edge of worlds or travel between them, and try to stay grounded and able to function in whatever world we currently find ourselves in.  And the desire to share it all and have others experience these wonders, but know that most of them are just becoming ready for more of it, but slowly...

So, I agree with you that things are "speeding up" and it's up to some of us to keep it from spiraling "out of control" during this shift.  But it's all a matter of perspective too.  The spiral has the same ratio of curvature throughout.  So SIZE and DISTANCE (both relative terms) would seem to play into it, because if one constantly adjusted that to compensate, the velocity would remain the "same".  7 billion camels through the eye of the needle.  Exciting.

There's a reason why we don't remember past lives.  There are reasons we have all these boundaries and limitations placed on ourselves.  Our minds are fragile but powerful little tools.  And it's a PROCESS to integrate the concepts and beliefs necessary to expand that power.  Good thing we possess and reflect the rest of the solar system within our beings as well!  A little sun, a little mars and jupiter and venus (for sure)...  Oh, they're so cute!  My very own star system with which to balance and connect!  So watch that solar plexus and mediate that energy flow with the ALL.  And use that heart to direct and disburse that revitalized substance to where it's needed.  Etc...

And, believe me, it can be a scary place to let yourself go.  Trust and surrender don't always translate well to this reality depending where you are at the time...  I did do that once, and I was rooted and hard-wired to the grand symphony...  But it was VERY hard to communicate with the friends with me at the time, and they ended up LEAVING ME alone in that place because of the intensity of my experience (Jim said he saw me transforming into a bird and didn't want to inhibit that).  Well, needless to say there were many powerful visions and feelings during that time, and to make a long story short, I ended up taking a dive (superman, really) onto asphalt and found out I couldn't really fly (more complicated than that, but basically) and required 12 stitches at 4:30 in the morning.  Wouldn't trade the scar on my chin for anything...  :)

The other beyonder was with dmt and I recall a very weird drop into that reality...  First sensation was being in a chamber with a huge lock/tumbler in the middle and matrix-like lines and waves of information simultaneously washing over and creating that mini reality I was in.  The tumbler turned and went chunk, chunk, chunk (and so did my neck and spine, popping) as it "locked in" and then I was seated in a car/sled type thing like a luge and remember "looking" back over my shoulder to the two beings at the controls of the "ride" (one male and one female), and the female says to the male "well, I guess he's goin for it!" and then pulls a lever and I'm released and off!  A few twists and turns, but nothing more deeply memorable after that amusing exchange.

So, I think even though some of these experiences are immense, a huge element of play does still figure into it, and it's good to keep that in mind (always) during the adventure.  Fun, people!  Let's have some fun here!  Let's not get too serious about ourselves.

Thanks for sharing and empowerment to your integration and application of your learning.  Love with hugs and laughter,


lightwins's picture

When the Buddha realized the actual nature of his mind, one of the things he said was, "I and all beings are now liberated." (paraphrase).

From having studied the self-named 6th density beings, RA, Aaron and that insider guy from the entity Lucifer who wrote that extensive post on Above Top Secret that we both read, and from my own personal explorations of the farther reaches of my consciousness, both aumented and spontaneous, I have the distinct impression that as we drop all our personal, reified, constructed labels, descripions and boundaries, we do become one with all that is and thereby, we become an individuated, clear and beneficent expression of that one in service to each and all.

I have heard and it is my experience that we become increasingly telepathic as we become decreasingly defended and life becomes increasingly magical and serendipitous; in myself and those I am aware of, this appears to usually occur gradually and sometimes in rather dramatic leaps that require a period of integration to discover who and what am I now and what is this life/world I find myself experiencing?

Because of the intensity of your report I am feeling some concern and want to reach out. I am wondering if you'd like to get together for a walk or coffee so we could talk and compare notes. Please, let me know.

bless you more, dear brother,


fredburks's picture

Thanks for all your thoughts and suggestions, Christopher. It sounds like you are a very experienced psychonaut. This particular journey really helped me to see the value of the veil and, as you mentioned, the value of not remember all of our past lives and our source. This actually helps us to learn and grow more than if we did remember. Great information! I feel incredibly grateful for this experience, even with all of the fear and terror it brought up in me. Take care.

With much love and warm wishes,

fredburks's picture

Thanks for your concern, John. Though it was an incredibly intense experience, I have zero regrets about it and have been having a very rich period of integration. And I would love to get together and share thoughts about it. Unfortunately, every day for the next two weeks in my schedule is packed to the hilt. Let's be in contact, particularly as I know you would have some good wisdom for me to ponder in all of this. Thanks again for caring.

With much love and joy,

lightwins's picture

I am booked right now, too. Maybe we can hook up after Thanksgiving.

Starmonkey's picture

One more thing to add that I thought of last night.  Have you confronted your shadow or integrated that side of yourself?  It is necessary to travel through some realms.  It can be a powerful ally and it has a lot of the tools and knowledge to navigate and engage in places where we would be out of our depth.

Going beyond judgment and duality.  Of oneself and others.  Forgiveness.  Loving it all.  Trusting that our being here is not an accident.  No good and bad.  Letting go of "comfort" and "security".  Instead of "home is where the heart is", we should all be at home in our hearts.

When one finally meets the "dweller on the threshold", a sacrifice must be made and defensive layers stripped away to reveal the true core.  Beyond the personality and temporal comedies and dramas.

Also making contact with one's Overself or higher self or having guides be there present to assist in the process.  But there is part of it that everyone has to travel alone.  And it is scary because it means the death of the "self" to the Self.

But it is nice to have support or an anchor "back down here" for the return trip.  And comrades who know you well should they need to focus more intently to call you back.  And I believe the Bodhisattva purpose gives your wish to remain of service priority in the grand scheme.  I dare say it's a minority with all the things people get mixed up in in their lives.

I prefer to help others with their karma and really watch my interactions to avoid unnecessary snags in order to work out my affiliations.  Or I would get lost in my own illusion.  And it's not nearly as interesting and colorful without the rest of you in it!  (As much as I may sanctimoniously say otherwise ;) is Ross Heaven's website.  Lots there to explore along similar lines.  Plant shamanism...  Darkness Visible is a great book with different meditations to try out.  And the use of sensory deprivation to break through to other levels of being.

That's all for now.

With love and understanding, Christopher

esrw02's picture

   I love this stuff, this is what life is about; experience !!   I am  going to read this 3 or 4 mores times and comment some more be continued



      I love you all , Eric





fredburks's picture

I'd love to connect after Thanksgiving. Much love, Fred

fredburks's picture

Thanks so much for all your love and support. I very much enjoy exploring the shadow side and find it incredibly valuable. Much love to all, Fred

Oriole's picture

All men on this topic?

     My jars of carefully dried fungi are calling me.  I await a sunny day to be outside.

Brian's picture

 Sounds like a frightening experience-beautiful too. I've a couple of "augmented" experiences that had me in terror I would disappear if I let go of ..... something ..... I can't name nor recall. I believed I was in a tremendous struggle to hold onto my sanity. I remember thinking afterward that no matter how frightening it was, it was worth it (for the "integration" process that followed). As normal reality asserted itself coming down, I saw how we are all very much the same-limited by our "normal" self, that each person is as innocent as the day they were born. We're beautiful in our brokenness and running mostly on ego. People were deserving of understanding and patience and kindness. I saw how beautiful and dear my close friend Pam was tripping with me, she was so full of concern for me. I saw her fully as an animal and the ongoing evolutionary process that brought us/her to stand up on two hind legs-COOL! But terrifying....LOL

Starmonkey's picture

Right on, Brian.  At least none of us have gone as far as Altered States.  Some incredible journeys though.  I've had similar compassionate feelings for other humans coming back down.  Sometimes I feel like the Powerpuff Girls in the movie where they fly off to the moon to get away from the chaos and can still hear all of it going on.  So simple yet so profound when they realize the people are hurting and need their help.

I've never had the fear of non-existence that you guys have.  But I understand it.  Barriers for the ego and it's feeling of safety, perhaps.  And it is a BIG world out there.  And we don't know everything.  This world always seems so small and full of holes upon returning.

Well, I haven't had a visionary experience in quite awhile, but am starting to plan one of some sort.  Probabaly in the desert.  Maybe near Chaco Canyon...

fredburks's picture

Sounds like you had an experience in which you were dealing with very similar issues, Brian. Intense stuff. And how cool that you found the integration time powerful, too. I find each time something like this happens, I am more happy to be right here, right now in this human body. And that's a great feeling!

Much love and joy to be with you here,

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