These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I! can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one...
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, righ! t?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
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ATT ORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
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ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
WIT NESS : No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office trailed by 15 kids.
"WOW" the social worker exclaims"are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine" the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says"Sit down Leroy."
All the children rush to find seats.
"Well" says the social worker"then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."
"This one here's my oldest - he's Leroy.
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well this one, he's Leroy too."
The social worker raises an eyebrow, but continues. One by one through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl named Leighroy! "All right" says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here.
Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well yeah, it shore makes it easier. When it Is time to get em out of bed, and ready for
School in the mornin I jus' yell 'Leroy!' 'An' when it's time for dinner I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all come a runnin.
'An' if I need to stop the one who's runnin into the street I just yell 'Leroy' and all of em stop.
It's the smartest idea I ever had namin' em all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit then wrinkles her forehead, and says tentatively, "But what if you just
want ONE kid to come and not the whole bunch?"
"Then I call em by their last names."