Dream of the Clan, Wild Nature, Death & The Last Desire

It started with me standing in front of a long hallway full of desks. Each of the desks was a checkpoint at which they gave tests to pass the members through the endless bureaucracy of artificially created meaning towards the inner circles of their religion. The clan, the cult, supposedly it was all by choice. On some level it was. I stood in front of the long line of these checkpoints and they all seemed transparent and empty. I walked through them and they gave no resistance – they had no substance to them. At the very end I spotted a figure sitting at a desk in the center with a door behind him. He looked at me slightly astonished, not sure what to think, he seemed to never have had this kind of experience before. His mind started racing and after I came close enough, he stood up and said that I absolutely must take his test. His mind started to grow obsessed with the idea. We took a walk outside and he was trying very intently to tell me all about the meaning and importance of being in the inner circle. I heard nothing. The grass was swaying in the wind, the ocean seemed on the verge of change, and the sea birds were flying with urgency looking for shelter. A black storm was nearing us on the horizon and the contrast of brilliant sun with the heavy dark clouds foreshadowed a time of intense feelings in the near future.

The man lead me to a big tent under which he started to tell me about the test. He waved the little piece of paper – the contrast of it’s brittle meaninglessness versus what significance he placed on it amused me very much.

A sudden wind came on. It didn’t pause, it kept getting stronger each moment and the powerful gusts sent people running for shelter. A great joy came over me and I started to laugh from my heart and belly. A deep thunder rolled across the coastal planes and crashed against the mountains. The joy was unstoppable – it was a raw force of nature, wild and untamed. My laughter grew deeper and more terrifying to the man. He tried very hard to pull all of his resources of logic and faith, but they were shattered by a flash of lightning that struck very close to us. He ran to shelter and I was left together with my beloved. The laughing thunder, the rejoice of all life to pouring rain, the playful force of dancing wind – I merged with Life and knew what it was to be alive.

*****

There weren’t that many of us, but we knew something they didn’t. It was all a play. That was the secret they didn’t want to look at. It really was that simple. That’s why everything flowed so effortlessly for us, that was why we found love and happiness even though we had nothing and they had everything. They had everything, but had nothing, we had nothing, but had everything.

The storm transformed many things. It awakened us, and it drove them to war. It was really a war with themselves, even though they thought it was a war with us. Nevertheless, we fought. We fought as they came to our pavilion, which was so conducive to fighting and playing. It was a tall circular structure with plenty of space to run fast and jump high. Our way of fighting was very flexible – it was built around bending, jumping, and flowing. The heavy armor and the rigidity of their movements made them look like stone walls in our eyes. Our goal in fighting was for the unfolding of the dance itself, while their objective was to conquer and submit others. Their contracted minds made every one of their movements predictable, while our intentional chaos didn’t leave much room for planning. We had no desire to change them, yet the change radiated from our being. The chaos that drove our movements seemed to have an awareness of it’s own.

A big man in heavy armor came rushing up towards the pavilion. We almost drew him away, but he had something in his arms and I got a feeling to let him through. He carried an old friend of mine. Her name was Maria and I haven’t seen her in years. She seemed only slightly conscious and had a big hole in her left side that seemed to have been made by a sharp blade. Maria urgently wanted to speak to the leader of our “resistance” (though we didn’t call ourselves that). The leader was my partner and I called for her.

Afterwards it was like living a past memory. I knew that Maria was going to die, and that the papers were going to overdramatise her death, where as it would actually be very peaceful.

My partner came and I held and took care of Maria while they talked. I heard not a word of what they said because emotions flooded my whole being with deep love for her.

After Maria relayed her message, I carried her outside and we laid on the green grass. The breeze from the ocean and the sound of waves brought her strength. A white being without a head and feet was wandering about. Somehow I knew that it too was part of her. I felt a deep joy and sadness flow between us. I held her close and said, “I’m not sure if I ever told you, Maria, I love you.” It felt really sad to say that to her. She said “I love you too”, or something similar to that. I was so overwhelmed by emotion then that I cannot recall details.

After some time we walked inside and saw a woman who just arrived with a package of scuba-diving gear. Somehow everyone knew that it was Maria’s deepest dream to be inside of the Ocean. A friend said that he will buy everything necessary to make that happen for Maria, no matter how much it would cost.

I knew that she would use the last of her strength and will not come back. It felt like the right thing and I supported her in what she wanted to do.

Maria knew she would not come back as well. It was her last dream, her deepest desire.