Conversation with a Little Girl
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane
When the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
smiles.
'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose
that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
>>> One Man's Good Fight
>>>
>>> I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure
>>> that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous
>>> evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my
>>> patented 'You're definitely going to mess yourself' chili.
>>> Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes
>>> with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day
>>> both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.
>>>
>>> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
>>> of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
>>> 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
>>> through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the
>>> usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as
>>> thunder and lightning.
>>>
>>> Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when,
>>> I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store
>>> that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
>>> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal.
>>>
>>> I selected a cart and began pushing it about
>>> dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the
>>> opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
>>> Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about.
>>> I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to
>>> hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
>>>
>>> The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a
>>> revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the
>>> small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and
>>> before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which
>>> would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning
>>> shot.
>>>
>>> There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly
>>> suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud
>>
>>> the likes of which has never before been recorded.
>>> I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might
>>> escape me.
>>
>>> Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower
>>> part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it,
>>> just as an elderly woman turned into it.
>>> I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
>>> reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to
>>> dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
>>> Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally?
>>
>>> Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you
>>> at least will be able to relate.
>>>
>>> I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as
>>> she walk ed into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of
>>> odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses
>>> and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms
>>> about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
>>>
>>> This, of course, made me feel terrible,
>>>
>>> but then made me laugh. Big mistake.
>>>
>>> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
>>> down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
>>> issue burst forth from my nether region.
>>> Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told
>>> a few folks in other aisles had ducked,
>>> fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
>>>
>>> Suddenly things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced
>>> off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud
>>> the whole way, praying that I'd make it before
>>> the grand mal assplosion tookplace.
>>>
>>> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
>>> began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because
>>> my butt is burning SO BAD, purging.
>>> One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of
>>> what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.
>>> He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
>>>
>>> ' Oh my God!', then quickly left.
>>>
>>> Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
>>> intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
>>> approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside
>>> for a few minutes.
>>
>>> It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
>>>
>>> The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or
>>> two which ought to take care of the problem.
>>>
>>> That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
>>>
>>> The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
>>> his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted,
>>> 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager.
>>> I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises
>>> and asked none too kindly not to return.
>>>
>>> Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
>>> to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next
>>> day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that
>>> because we are in court over the whole matter.
>>> They claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
Dear John....good story about the girl.
Dear Chris,
Great chili story. I like your new photo. Love,Mary
oh my god, chris... that is so gross. i laughed til my sides hurt.
whew....there's a tear in my eye.....lol
That is one of the funniest stories I have ever heard. ROTFLOL. Thank you.
John
Chris you are such a laugh........great story...Lol....
I can't believe that they actually escorted you out.......Lol
Jez
Not my 5 alarm chili, darn it!
Nothin' more than a bit of serendipity.
John, you posted this forum on the same day I received that funny story from a Tuesday night poker pal that is that guy (almost everybody knows one) who always knows or gets a hold of the funniest jokes/stories. Was perfect to segway from this forum to that post. Glad you all enjoyed it as much as I did. "Humor is proof that Dog exists" said the dyslexic philosopher!!!!
Love, Chris
John and Chris,
You guys made my day! That chili story is the best and very close to a personal experience I had at Whole Foods. Very funny
Jim
John and Chris,
You guys made my day! That chili story is the best and very close to a personal experience I had at Whole Foods. Very funny
Jim
loved the smart little girl.......and the only thing I have to say about the chili story is this........
at least you didnt haul off with the toxins and leave your wife standing in the cloud so the next person to round the corner thought SHE DID IT!
that's what the man I'm married to would do! I mean DOES do.
arghhhhhh to thunder under the covers toooooooo!!
women always smell like roses.......and i have some real estate i'd like to sell you in Florida........ta da.