Hi, all.
I got some difficult news this morning from the school social worker that has me on my heels, and I am hoping to get a bit of sound advice and counsel from you...
Some history... My son is having difficulty in school. He's in 7th grade (12 yrs old). He's quite intelligent, and very good hearted, but acts socially immature for his age, is overweight, and tends to be ultra sensitive. He also gets bullied and teased because he is an easy target for insensitive kids. I can't home school him - as the only wage earner in the house, I must work. I also honestly don't think I'd be emotionally able to be with him 24/7. He just takes a lot of energy. I also know that he's not the kind of kid that's cut out to fall into place in a traditional public school setting. He needs a bit more creative license than most kids. I've priced out private school, but the costs are more than I pay in mortgage each year - just unaffordable for me.
So the school social worker calls me this morning to tell me there was an incident in school in which my son exhibited behavior that might be considered suicidal. The classroom teacher recognized the behavior and sent him to speak with her. They talked about his thoughts of "what if I weren't here?", etc... She felt that he was not suicidal right now, but that he was certainly in depression.
So here I am, trying not to own this too much. Part of me cannot help but remember that the first time I attempted suicide was at age 12 (and feel guilty for bringing this fear to life by manifesting it somehow in him). My thoughts are... medication for depression in children is very dangerous, and could put him on the fast track to suicide.... but what else is there to do? I feel like I give him free range to talk with me about anything. I give him love and support and try to be as healthy as I can be in our parent/child relationship. I'm just sort of at wits end.
The reason I called this taboo... well, no one likes to talk about kids with depression - particularly their own. I understand that it may be something other people don't want to discuss or share about. That's really ok. If you're comfortable sharing, and you have some experiences that you think might add to the conversation, I'd really like to hear about it.
With much love to you,
Kathy
But, I was in a similar situation when I was 15..I grew up in New Orleans,but when I was 14,my parents decided to move us back to their origins,in connecticut, as they feared that New Orleans was becoming over run by drugs..Of course, ct. was actually worse,as all the synthetic drugs were already there by the mid 70 s..Anyways, I became a total outcast there, or felt that way, and had a lot of resentment about being removed from all my long time friends in N.O...I was about to be thrown out of high school in Ct., when I found out about a new alternative high school, one of the first of it s kind..It was called,Synergy,,and was a little "hippyish" i guess..Now I was with a group of teachers and students in the same boat i was,and we talked about it...This was funded from the same money as our high schools, and we received the same diploma,,but the grading system was set up to where you could not fail more than 2 symesters, or you were out...The important thing was, we were all very different kids, but we learned to raise all of our own money for trips, we could create a class for credit as long as it was approved at our town meeetings,,you get the picture...Two years later, I graduated with the "critical awareness" award,,A surprise to everyone at the school,as they said they had created it for me,,Ha! Now they can afford plaques,and give it away every year..Yes, the school still exists,In east Hartford,ct...I only blabbed about the school because both of my parents were in the same boat then,,they both worked more than full time , and we just got by,,and although my mom and I developed a pretty special understanding those few years, it was clear that their work,and everything else they did to make ends meet, definitely took a toll on their spirits, and they had little left to give at the end of the day..If they knew half the situations I was in as a kid, they would drop dead, so I became very good at not getting caught !...My point is, It really does take a village to raise a child,,That school, with it s teacher/student interaction became the village that most of us can t have now..We can t let our kids run free anymore,or we think we can t,so how can they gain that experience..There is no way they can get all they need from us..I have this dilemma now with my 8 year old son,,as I live in a small town that is sprawled out,and it is hard for kids to get together,you know, just to play ! That is probably the only good thing about the old suburbs,,kids were right next door to each other,and could interact on a daily basis..I agree comletely about medication, no kid can withstand any drug in his system, and they just incite mood swings anyways....As an adult, I know that fasting will solve or cure anything, and the clarity of mind that comes with it is unequalled. But how do you fast a 12 year old kid?...Not in this system,,and I guess that is the point,,To avoid using the system s solutions, you will have to step outside it,and that could mean big changes for you,depending on where you live, what alternatives are available,etc..I am very lucky here that at least my son s mom is in a good relationship with someone who can also mentor my son..That is one more adult he gets to interact with, and so another viewpoint..If I hadn t found that school, I probably would have ended up on one of those "Outward Bound" trips that summer,maybe it would have helped..I just lacked any positive attitude about where I was,or why I was there..The only reason I wasn t suicidal was probably because of my connection to nature, It was my escape there,otherwise who knows what I would have done.....I sure hope that you and your son will find your way...Does he know that they want to medicate him? Do you think that a discussion about that might open a door? I hope so,and would love to know if you have a breakthrough, my son will be at that age before I know it,and I could use some advice...Be well,,T
My first impression is have you thought about examining these avenues:
Diet and nutrition. Eliminate all Gluten and Lactose bearing foods, Corn Syrups, aspartams, and nutrisweet and all foods packaged in clear plastic bottles All of the above contribute to a brain chemistry-body chemistry that supresses the endorphins that make us feel good. Add in more fruits and vegetables and Coconut products such as coconut milk. Living foods fill the body, mind, energy system with living energy. Energizing and elevating our moods. Also, obesity is a contibuting factor to depression. Depression is a symptom of an underlying health issue such as diabetes, hypertension, celiacs disease, and/or high blood pressure.
Start a round of high quality Vitamin B's, Zine c and trace minerals. Kombutcha tea is a good source of this. Raw foods are highly important. Vitamin B2,6,12 defiencies mimic depression. Also a systemic yeast infection throughout the body will show up as depression. Innoculating the body with raw fermented foods will address this issue.
Exercise Walking is a great way to get energy moving. Depression is energy and fear/anger turned inward. That is is the definition of depression. Exercise conteracts these self-destructive tendencies. Get out in nature. Walk to a beautiful large tree... something large-like in your area can be a shrub as well. I recommend the tree meditation in this blog.
Communication: Together learn to communicate using Compassionate Communication A language of feelings/emotions is imperative to truly begin to speak about and deal with the issues at hand. It is more than just asking "how was your day." most kids will answer: "fine." with flat affect. Fine always means there is more underneath it all.
Address the Bullying This is very very important! Find a local course on Bullying prevention and take it with your child. Confidence training is also very important. The way you carry yourself in daily life will attract the same. This is the basic principle of the Law of Attraction. Learning Aikido is a way in which to foster confidence, exercise, get energy-chi moving and learn leadership.
"Alternative" Virtual School And finally, all across the USA is a new alternative school concept called the Virtual School. Click here for a list of Virtual Schools in the USA Click here for articles about virtual schools across the US.
Suicide prevention: There is a direct link between being bullied and suicide. For the child being bullied this creates acculmative PTSD. PTSD is a disorder that is common among trauma victim across the whole spectrum of traumatic scenarios. Click here for some info on this. Talk to your son. Be HONEST with him what the School is intending to do. Ask him to brain storm with you how to address this. See where this leads you. Be open and receptive while listening to him. Write it down and come up with a contract of conduct. This may be an eye opener for you as the connections that your child makes with the subject content may reveal where the source of the emotional-mental pain is coming from. Listen to your child's story and let it flow through you. Bless it with Love.
These are just a few suggestions that I intuitively am percieving. Further, it seems obvious that the environment that your child spends during the school hours is unhealthy for your child. This is the first issue that must be addressed. Medicating a child because they are being bullied seems very tragic to me. Your child's sensitive nature is something to foster along with leadership and confidence. This sensitivity is very common among gentle natured temperments that are slow to adapt. The good news is by understanding your child's temperment you will be better equiped to meet the challenges of parenting a high spirited child/tween/teen. A high spirited child is simply a child that is more. The response to their environment is always more. More sensitivity etc.
Finally, I can relate to your child. I too as a child was bullied and harrassed often with extreme malice. It seemed like there was no escape. Often I thought if I just could die then all of this would go away. Luckily, there was a teacher who was willing to listen to my angst and in the end when I finally graduated from High School and went onto University, I learned that what happened in High School was in High School the real world operated diffferently. If I did not like a situation I had the ability and luxury of leaving it! The ability to move away from uncomfortable people was a real eye opener for me! I really wish I had had the benefit of a virtual high school. I feel I would have blossomed without all the oppression of the bullying males that were at the High School that I went to. I Bless your Son with Love. I Bless you with Love. Let the Human Angels and the Beautiful Many assist you in addressing the needs of your child for safety and security so that your child will grow unhindered. Big Hugs to you both!
--fairyfarmgirl
Dear Kathy:
I can relate. I was the most unpopular person in my 7th grade class - bullied on the bus, bullied at school, bullied walking home from school, picked last on the team, ate lunch alone, didn't have a single friend. Suicide was more than a passing thought.
What turned it around for me was making a phone call over summer vacation to a nice girl who was just slightly more popular than me. In 8th grade, the bullies left me alone because I now had Patricia and her friends. I was no longer a lone target.
I'll add to the excellent advice already given here by offering you something different:
These websites list celebrities who were bullied. There are coping tips on both sites and the second one has a forum, so your son could talk with other kids who are having the same issues.
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http://b-free.ca/stories_good_company.html
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http://stampoutbullying.tripod.com/celebs.html
I think the main thing is to boost your son's confidence. You may have to brainstorm with him to find out what his interests and talents are, then find a club or a group (in or outside of school) where he can make new friends. If there's a support group in your area for bully victims, join it!
Here's a trick I learned... kids can be so shallow that it doesn't take much for them to want to be your buddy. Something as simple as bringing a bag of candy to school is enough to get them clamoring to be your friend. Another way is being in a position of perceived authority: heading a committee, club, or project brings out the brown-noser in most middle schoolers. Superficial, I know, but it could be a confidence booster.
Bullying is now a well-known problem, so there is plenty of help out there. Here's Dr. Phil's advice on the subject http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/245
Your son is lucky to have a mother like you who is willing to help. (Mine didn't, which made the problem so much worse.)
Best of luck and please let us know how it's going.
I'm sending loving prayers your way.
Noa
See! I knew you guys would come through with great advice and resources! Thank you all so much. I was also a bully victim, with zero parental understanding until it was really out of hand. I'm committed to never be so oblivious that I can't notice his pain. I have a meeting scheduled with all of his teachers, the social worker, his therapist, and myself for mid-next week. One thing I have to say about the school is that this group of teachers is very engaged and willing to help. I'm hopeful that his therapist will have some creative ideas to help them help Alex while he is at school.
Elizabeth, it's such a "coincidence" that you mention lactose and gluten. Over this past weekend, I found out that my brother has been struggling with colitis, and has just found out that he has lactose and gluten sensitivity, and has had to eliminate both from his diet. My mother also had intestinal cancer and lactose intolerance. Many of Alex's cousins (he has 28 on my side) have similar issues. It looks like all the signs are there to take it out of our diets once and for all. I'm also looking into if there are any akito studios locally. I had never thought of that, and would love to do a mom and son thing with that (expect he won't be crazy about mom being in his class with him, though. )
Noa, thank you for those links to the bullying websites! He and I used to play a game to come up with the best example of who might have been bullied as a kid... people like Bill Gates, Ben Franklin, and Albert Einstein topped the charts. It's good to have an actual list of famous people and their stories for him to read and connect with.
Todd, thank you for sharing your story, too! It sounds like a pretty cool school you went to, and I'm sure it was a Godsend to you at the time. You're right about the lack of community that we're living in, and the rash of "minding my own business" that keeps people from looking out for the neighbor's kids when they're playing in the neighborhood. There must be a way to get past that... I'm not sure how that happens, though.
Thanks again, all. What a wonderful support team we all have in one another!
Lots of love,
Kathy
I Bless you with Love, Kathy! I know all will be well for you and your son. I know a lot about Celiac's Disease and lactose intolerance. Both run in my family and my husband's family. Irritable Bowl Syndrom is one the most misdignosed diagnosis in the medical field. It is most often Celiac's Disease. There are various forms of this intolerance.
We eat a gluten free/lactose free diet. I have found that the Spice of Life, Rice bread is very yummy. For a great sandwich, toast the bread first. Gillian's French Bread rolls are super as "burger" rolls. Quinoa is terrific as a grain substitute. And Coconut milk is terrific for cooking and drinking. Everyone loves it in the fairyhouse. :)
I make great waffles with Rice and buckwheat flour.
The point is this: It is very possible to live and be fed with nutritious comforting foods that taste great and still be gluten and lactose free! :)
I make a lot of crock pot soups that are just as quick and easy as opening a can (chances are it contains gluten and lactose!). It really is easy to cook in a crock pot!
I wish you well!
-fairyfarmgirl
Hi Kathy,
Looks like you already got lots of great advice. I just wanted to let you know that I really understand how difficult it is. My son was similar, not really depressed but also socially immature and was later diagnosed with Asperger's syndrone so I believe I went through similar struggles and of course I still worry even though he's 24 now. I'm praying for a peaceful resolution to your son's troubles and that you get all the help that you require.
Love,
Wendy
P.S. Thanks so much for your bravery in broaching this subject and all the hard work you are doing to bring a loving sensitive young man into the world.
My first thoughts regarding depression also involved diet, I think Elizabeth's on to something on that count. Rodale has a wonderful book regarding gluten sensitivity, I think it's called the Gluten Connection.
My experiences are a little different, I was assaulted when I was very young, and it effected all of my adolescent life. By 15, I swallowed enough barbiturates to put myself in a coma for 6 days. One of the biggest issues for me was that I didn't have parental support, they assumed whatever was going on was my fault (or at least that's how it felt at the time). I was fortunate to have a few teachers and friends that realized I was in serious trouble and provided a sounding board at least. I had to learn to use my own voice and to stand up to those who were the perpetrators (it did take time). An understanding of the Law of cause and effect might help Alex. It helped me when I began to see that what goes around comes around even if it isn't in our own time ie. If you steal something from someone, generally something bigger will be lost or stolen from you.
Later, my first daughter, had issues with speech. She didn't talk at all, even two words together, until she was 3 and spent the next several years in speech therapy. She also had many respiratory failures due to some chronic health issues and was out of school alot in K thru about 4th grade. Enough to make some kids treat her differently, and enough for her second grade teacher to want to put her into a 'special ed' class in another school. Now as a parent, I knew how bright she was in spite of her speech and I also knew to send her to a classroom of less functioning kids would not have motivated her to improve. I fought this teacher all the way to the school board and then to the County educational level before she was allowed to remain in the classroom she was and speech was provided for her as an addition to primary school. (She is now 26 and entering a Masters degree program for nursing)
What I'm saying Kathy, is YOU KNOW your son. Just the fact that you are willing and able to listen to HIM as well as school personnel is a HUGE positive in his life. Don't allow yourself to be bullied into doing something that you intuitively know is wrong for him because it will make it 'easier' for his teachers. If he were my child, I would try dietary measures, counseling, I would find out who his friends are and support those friendships, and I agree with some kind of martial arts program. Medicating him would be an absolutely last resort.
Both of my daughters are black belts in Karate, because my husband took the time to get involved with them. They enjoyed the time together and the discipline involved with martial arts is an important lesson. My only concern regarding that is find a good teacher, we did have one that was very condescending toward women, and when my girls came home upset a few times we knew it wasn't the right place for them. They found a different class and spent many years with the same Master. If you meet a Master that is a bully himself, get your son out of there! (One reason, I agree you should go with him, at least for awhile).
I don't know how much what I've said helps, but I will also pray for resolution to the bullying, and for Alex to come out of this fog and into more Light. Adolescence is such a difficult time for so many of us-it might be good for him to know how many of us went through difficulties too. Not in a way that diminishes what he's going through, but that validates it. Someday, these somehow become the things that make us stronger.
Much love sent to you both-I know how much Mama hurts when her babies do. Kristyne
forgot about lactose and gluten, I eliminated them so long ago,I guess that s where I was going with the fasting., as any mucous forming foods are pretty bad..I had to quit meat also..If you can get by sugar, your life will change..I also loved the akido idea, and taiji would do just as well..I shy away from the karate classes, as they fall more into a sport/competition type scenario,but it is all good..I tried starting a parent/child taiji class last year, after teaching just kids in the after school programs..The parents thought it would be a great idea,,but then, they didn t show up..Taiji and akido are both truly "internal" arts,and have much more to offer,they will become a lifetime companion, not just a bully shield,,and yes, taiji is a serious martial art, and one of the only arts that you can actually get better at your whole life...I know some kids here that have grown up in an akido class,and it has helped them tremendously..One was a daughter of a good friend, and she became the hero of the school after putting down the school bully twice..The first time she just made him submit,of course ,he was so humiliated that he tried to viciously attack her from behind a week later, and that time she had to go a little farther..The funny thing was, all the teachers in the school praised her mother as if she had saved THEM from a bully...I grew up as a minority in New Orleans, and had to fight back a couple of times, then was left alone for the most part...I hope you can find a school there,and good luck on the diet,,T
Hi Kathy,
I just wanted to chime in and say I wish you lots of love and support in this challenging situation. I was a psychiatric nurse on a locked ward for about six years and worked a lot with teenagers. The one thing I would advise is not hesitating to check in with Alex about his depression. In general, whenever you see a person who seems like they might be suicidal, I strongly encourage everyone to ask that person if they are feeling suicidal. This question can help people to feel not so alone and share their real feelings. You might ask Alex to let you know whenever he is feeling really depressed.
I'm writing this both for you and for others who might be interested. If after asking, a person says that they are feeling suicidal, the next question might be something like "Have you thought about how you might do it?" If not, there is less to worry about. If they have thought of a plan, it is then more serious. For those with a plan, I highly recommend that you get a commitment from them to contact you whenever they are feeling like they might actually carry out the plan. Let them know that you care and you want to be there for them if they are feeling that bad.
I know this must be really trying and cause some real anxiety for you, Kathy. Thank you so much for reaching out here and sharing what you are going through. I wish you all the very best in finding meaningful ways to support both Alex and yourself in this. You take care.
With lots of love, support, and warm wishes,
Fred
I have been praying for you and your son since I first read your post, shortly after it was up. I am wondering, what you have done and how it has worked; also, how has he been since you were contacted by the school?
May all things go well,
John
Hi, everyone.
Thank you all for such great support and advice. I just realized that though I've read and cherished each of your comments, that I didn't actually tell you that. Shame on me... You touch my heart so tenderly.
Alex and I have been talking a lot about how he's feeling and what is going on that makes him feel depressed. I've also been able to watch his comments about non-related things more closely and can get a quick read on his mood.
I have a meeting with Alex's teachers, social worker, and psychologist on Thursday morning. I'm hopeful that there will be some great action plans that we can work together to assure his safety and good mental health. The bullying issue will get addressed here.
Alex and I are exercising together in the evenings, while I find the right class for him. A friend of mine offered to teach him some martial arts once a week or so. I haven't decided if that works just yet given that he needs time for homework each evening, too. Such a fine line...
I've cleared out the pantry of nearly all processed foods, and switched to lactose free milk. I know the food thing is the biggest challenge as he's really afraid of new foods, and getting him to even try anything new is an uphill struggle. I'm shifting the focus of meals a bit and hoping small changes will add up to big impacts after a while.
That's it, I think... I'll have more news by Thursday evening.
Bless all of you!
Love,
Kathy
Hi Kathy,
It is truly great to see what well intended and wise advice you've been getting here. It is inspiring, and I trust that Alex and you will come out of this 'situation' a much better and stronger persons, individually and in your relationship.
I breath sacred love with you and the whole community that is supporting you.
Love
Bob
Hi, all.
I just wanted to let you know that the meeting at the school went really well. I think everyone is now pointing in the same direction regarding Alex. It's clear that he has a lot of anxiety in school based on kids teasing him, and when that anxiety is not there, he is a different person. One teacher described the differences in him between his science class, where Alex is cautious and barely able to talk, and what he sees when he's in the cafeteria with his friends - boisterous, and happy, and relaxed. The teachers have proposed a two prong approach - stopping the bully (and his merry men), and getting Alex to a feeling of safety at all times. This is clearly lacking most of the time. He's now going to be allowed to hang back for a minute or two in some classes to avoid the crowded hallway situation.
The work at home continues, with regard to movement and food choices that are healthful and appropriate. Things will improve on all fronts.
With so much love for each of you!
Kathy
Kathy:
This is GREAT news for Alex! Good Work, Mom! Alex will go far with you as his guide. I bless you both with Love!
Hugs!
fairyfarmgirl
Good job, Kathy. You're a great mom. I remember my father going to bat for me when I was a kid (in this case it was facing down an abusive teacher). I'm grateful to this day.