Military Wife Tells All

This is an exceedingly long interview with Kay Griggs, the wife of a US colonel -- he was essentially a military hitman for covert projects.  Part 1 of 4 is two hours long.  (Cerca 1998?)  The links to the other parts are below.


Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Brian's picture

My ex-father in law went to princeton-member of an eating club there, brother in law went to the Hun school, my dad was a marine, my ex-wifes best friends husband is a retired colonel in Special Forces Psyops..... this is so weird-although all of these people I mentioned are really good people. The more I listen to her, the more sick I feel inside.  If it's all true-I don't want to know. It turns the world so upside down that virtually no one will believe the real nature of our country's history. Do we really dispatch child assassins around the World to murder children and women to foment war and unrest? I already know the answer to this question. After 9/11, I know it's possible. Oh God. How could a world be this sick?

Noa's picture

Sorry, everyone.  My downloading is very slow, so I didn't listen to all of this video before posting.  (I took it on recommendation.)

I feel your pain, Brian, and I understand not wanting to know about this stuff.  On the other hand, it's that tendency to 'hide our heads in the sand' that allows the madness to continue.  The perpetrators count on our inability to imagine such horrors as real.  They are becoming more extreme and brazen.  This could be because they are getting their way or maybe they're running scared and are pulling out all the stops before their time runs out.

I suggest that we all take some time to visualize the kind of world we want to live in and see it in our minds as manifest.  The dark ones spend a lot of time and energy conjuring their intentions in rituals; it's time we all act as lightworkers by charging our dreams with light and love. 

When I think of the near future, I see the Earth as paradise.  I see people living in harmony with all living things.  I see the end of tyranny and the triumph of peace and abundance for all.


tscout's picture

   but by Brian's comments, it sounds like what bill wood said he was doing,,,targeting civilians to create hatred towards America...Is that what's in here ?  if so, it helps back up his story a little..

Brian's picture

Yeah, I am afraid of thinking of my country, USA, as being so sinister. I fully realise that the majority of people aren't directly involved. She says children are indoctrinated, brain washed and turned into assassins then flown to countries where they murder people to create chaos and hatred. OK. I realise rogue cells inside agencies might be responsible but wouldn't that suggest that the main body of the intelligence agencies are complicit? That they turn a blind eye? (as in Sibel Edmunds testimony)Are there fingers within the main bodies of agencies that assist the rogues? If this is true doesn't it mean the "majority of power" of an intelligence agency is guided to assist or run interference for the rogues? Pakistan's ISI agency was deeply involved in 9/11 and certainly other terrorism. The Israeli Mossad apparently also aided in 9/11. The British terror attacks were clearly stagecraft. This suggests to me that the main branches of government are full of people who also support the work of these rogues for their own criminal needs or that of corporations they are beholden to. I imagine a colossal cancer within the US government like JFK warned of, like what killed the Kennedy's. A vicious criminal enterprise as was needed to execute 9/11. My heart is more than sad to think all of this. It hurts. It is a wound. It is an attack on me-my mind my body, my heart and existence. That is why I don't want to face it-because all my pictures of how life would turn out are wrong. I have been attacked and I don't know how to respond. I was living in a happy thoughts box of ignorance and the reality is hideous. I NEVER imagined it would be this bad. I was assured it wasn't in fact. I don't mean to be melodramatic but I don't know how else to say this.

Hey Brian,

It all just is what it is ....some trippy werid ass reality we are in hey?......

Right now know, that the only thing that just changed was in you and you don't need or have to do anything...I think you just popped a red pill, best to just go with it,......and the trick to that is not to judge anything......observe your feelings, observe your thoughts,....let them express themselves within you and just watch them....your perfectly safe....

All the good shit is still out there as well, what a time we are living in......transformation is in the wind.....

We are one my friend.......



Knightspirit's picture

This is a great example of the time line splitting. The Dark Cabal will continue down its dirty path - and at the same time - as Jez points out - tons of great things will be going on at the same time. How you live and how it all effects you will be 100% driven by what you focus on and how you resppond to it. A LOT of people are simply not going to go down that dark timeline - and will instead create a new one (happening now) that will be taking off with a new financial system, and free energy etc etc.

So while it is essential to see what has been - it is also essential to know what will be! And be a part of creating the new timeline while simply ignoring the old one... Doesn't mean it will go away necessarily - but we can choose which way we wish to go.

Brian's picture

You are both right. And I can hold that wider perspective sometimes for months-I put the hideous stuff aside consciously, then over time I try to ignore it-a kind of shortcut. So I begin to gloss over stuff,  then I seem to try to doubt it, and eventually I find myself feeling frustrated-"oh no-here's another doom and gloom posting" and finally I find myself wanting to read or watch it, just to see if we are all deluding ourselves here with 'conspiracy theories'.  In the end I remember my certainty of 9/11 being carried out by my government(LOUD EXPLETIVE) and I have this fresh sinking into frustration and depression. Isn't that the natural or approriate response to this s__t?
  I guess I'm being a bit disingenuous because so far I've always felt I will pull out of these funk periods but apparently I need to roll around in it every once in a while.

Nynia Chance's picture

Something I'm trying is visualizing "air purifiers" before going to sleep -- let me see if I can explain this...

When I'm relaxing and winding down, it's really hard for me to sleep if I don't calm all the words in my head.  As I mentioned to someone today "words are just my thing", but the downside of that is that there are ALWAYS words in my head wanting expression, even if just in my own brain.  Things like this will sometimes be what sticks in my brain when I'm trying to sleep, clamoring for my validation that they're ultra-important, and need my attention.

What I'm concerned about is that the sickness of pain and fear will spread to me, sticking in my heart over what they're doing and suffering inside.  So to honor their importance, but to also try to not get stuck in them, I'm trying out the idea of visualizing a ball of rainbow-white light (hence me looking for rainbows lately to help my visualization).  I visualize it as an intelligent focus of positivity, with the power to go and take in the negative energy surrounding and influencing these victims, victimizers and their controllers, and just gobble it right up.  The intelligent positivity could then take this energy and digest it, turning it into exactly the right kind of healing frequency to counter-act and undo what it previously was causing.  I then picture them going out toward this energy, so it can get to work, and I'll go to sleep.  It's like my own version of saying "Om Mani Padme Hum", I guess...

Regardless of what kind of effect this has in the world, it's having a very good effect on my heart.  I also try ho'oponopono, and this is something that kinda came out of that.

Noa's picture

Your rainbow-white light visualization is a powerful one, Nyn.  Hmmmn, could you be the one who put this song into my head recently?  I've been singing it for weeks, now!


Knightspirit's picture

Since we're talking about rainbows - I just couldn't help posting my latest endeavor - Crystal Rainbow Mandalas - created from real photogrpahs of the rainbows reflected from the inside of certain crystals - see the sample. I am still working on getting them up on a web site - but here is what I have so far:

These are for exactlly what Nynia is describing!

Noa's picture

Wow!  Thanks everyone for turning this dark post into inspiration and hope.  It's just what the doctor ordered in times like these. 

I have never regretted taking the red pill.  I want to know the truth, even when it hurts.  That said, I have to admit that I was in denial about the 9/11 truth for the longest time.  I just couldn't believe anyone could be that evil to cause the death of 3000 innocent people.  Little did I realize then that that was just the tip of the iceberg.  You're not alone in your aversion to this nasty crap, Brian.  I hyperventilated after seeing footage of the FEMA concentration camps and coffins.  That is certainly not the kind of world most of us want to live in. 

We are not alone in all of this.  There is safety in numbers, so the more people that wake up, the better off we'll all be. 

The best way to overcome fear is to face it.  That doesn't mean you have to do it all at once.  Take your time; find your own pace; take a break from the heavy stuff as often as you need it.  Nurture yourself with inspirational material and positive experiences.  The words posted here by Nynia, Jeff (knightspirit), and Jez are good ones to live by.  If more shit hits the fan, I'm glad to have people like you to turn to for inspiration.

And tscout, I posted this video because Bill and Eva recommended it.  The fact that it was recorded in the late nineties, I think, gives it more credence. 

Now that I've finished watching Part 1, I have to say that there's nothing in it that I find shocking -- despicable and disgusting yes, but there's not much in the interview I didn't hear before.  I swallowed the red pill 3 years ago.  Geez, could I have gotten used to the horrors in that short time? 

Oh and Brian, most of the time when Kay refers to "boys" she is talking about young men, not kids.  It still doesn't excuse the behavior (and I know they still victimize and abduct children), but if it's any consolation the mercenary work is largely carried out by adults.  (Small consolation Frown.)

Noa's picture

Holy cosmic colors, Batman, that's awesome!  I've saved a few mandalas to use as my desktop background. 

Thanks, Jeff.

Francis's picture

and I feel inspired to comment.  I've been quietly observing the world lately and trying to figure out how it sits with me.  Sometimes I grow really angry, sometimes I find myself smiling foolishly for no apparent reason at all.  I sit in amazement at the diversity of life.  I watched some of the above video a few months back and for some reason it didn't even phase me, I found myself saying, "Yep, see, of course, I knew it all along," and other such "I'm right" silliness.  My ego found some sort of justification from it, some reason for being, like the more I found wrong with the world, with the actions in our covert history, the more purpose some weird part of me would have for being and for touting it's twisted sense of superiority over the mass of people who still see nothing.  Wow, what a warped sense of hubris that is, to derive a sense of superiority from observing another's suffering.  Other times it makes me angry, crazy angry, I-want-to-kill-everyone-involved angry, and I wonder where this anger stems from, where the source is and why it's so provoked.  Of course I know why it's provoked, I mean, how much are we supposed to take and just what are our options here to help alleviate the suffering?  I feel so helpless at times it's profound.  Everywhere the terrible news.  When I allow myself to react is when I feel overwhelmed.  When I pull back and sit with it and allow it all to be is when I find more perspective and balance with it all, with the little things as well as the big ones.  Maybe that's why meditation's been such a big hit with the mystics. 

It's been a world of battling egos, and they're still out there swinging, see 'em in the streets at 2am and on the tv 24/7, they sure seem to have something to prove eh?  It's difficult not to jump in with both hands at times, but then I sit with it and re-member that all the things I admire have been accomplished by wise men and women who never raised a hand in anger.  Well, I'm not sure where the rest of this little monologue is going but I wanted you to know I heard you and I feel your pain cause sometimes just knowing that you were heard and someone's actually listening goes a long way.  Reminds us of the connection we all know is still there even when the outside world would do everything to negate it. 



Brian's picture

Francis-it felt good to be heard. So many understanding voices here. I also notice that by participating here, I sometimes get a feeling of superiority over events (a personal hangup of TV news readers I'm told). I also become enraged a lot. I just watched a movie called The Veteran. It's British, recent, about a returned soldier from Afghanistan who gets hired by a rogue black ops group and ends up killing them all plus the gangsters in his neigborhood when he can't take their corruption, murderous intent and deceit anymore. I revelled in this orgy of vengeance against conspiracy and organized criminals. And I'm embarrassed about it. (This movie was designed to elicit this exact response in the many people who feel the system is being run by monsters and who feel like victims as I often do). Just recently, I've started cursing aggressive drivers who "do me wrong". I try to hurt them, cursing their existence with a very serious intent. It's ridiculous, crazy and I believe it hurts me as well as others. I hate that I started doing this. I shouldn't even tell anyone-just deal with it. It's a personal failing and it's up to me to end it.
 On the other hand, Knightspirit-I felt such a wave of happiness when I saw the image you posted. It is inspired.

Francis's picture

wow, I drove the freeways of LA for a while in the early nineties and wanted to start my own freeway shooting business - ha!  Talk about something you shouldn't admit!  But I'm happy I'm in a place now where I can laugh about it.  I would say that driving in traffic and on city streets is still one of the most trying things to test a person's patience and let one know just how far they've evolved.  Everyone's in such a hurry and so impatient it's like being stripped naked and thrown to the sharks during a feeding frenzy.  As far as vigilante justice goes, Hollywood is full of it (there's an understatement!)  Some of my favorite movies were based on it - Clint Eastwood's career was built on it, but I still favor the Cool Hand Lukes and the Shawshank Redemptions, just can't hold the man down and they use their wits instead of guns, love it!

Noa's picture

Try not to beat yourself up for being human, guys.  The fact that you recognize that your thinking about vengeance and superiority is a base emotion in itself means that you are more evolved and aware than most people.  When I find myself cursing or despising anyone, I find it helpful to switch on the Ho'oponopono.  It short-circuits the hateful feelings and helps to generate the higher emotions of love, gratitude, and forgiveness.

Now all you "shadow dancers" may disagree with me on this.  Those of you who think the dark ones have an equal role to play as those who only wish to live in peace, love, and harmony with all of life -- but I do not believe that everything good in the universe naturally has an equal negative opposite. 

I have always had a strong moral compass -- not in the orthodox christian religion sort of way, but in a inner, heartfelt knowingness.  I believe in such a thing as innate goodness and falling from grace into evil. I am older than many of you here.  I was raised in a time when parents, teachers, and even television shows (like Leave It to Beaver) gave you a clear sense of right and wrong.  I think it's no accident that such a distinction has all but disappeared from American culture and that in its place subversive behaviors have taken hold.  Afterall, if the majority of people embrace bloody violence and blatant sexual acts then the perverse becomes normal and can be practiced in the open.

Maybe it can be argued that the dark ones killing, maiming, and torturing innocent people teaches us how NOT to be or some such lesson.  Or that we learn lessons from the suffering and hardships of other people.  If this were so, then why after thousands of years of human existence do things like war, hunger, poverty, injustice, and greed still exist?  It doesn't seem like a very effective teaching method to me.  Rather, it supports the idea that today's controlling cabal are the same twisted faction who have ruled and enslaved the planet for millenia.

I do not think that those that turn away from the light -- those who intentionally engineer death, disease, hardship, and destruction and other sadistic crimes are equally valid players.  I think they are rogue, sabateurs of the divine plan.  They are like weeds in the garden. They need to be rooted out and irradicated... with love or by more forceful means.

Yet although they deserve our hatred and scorn, these base emotions don't serve us.  They only eat away at us, lodging in our hearts and solar plexi, utimately strengthening the dark side.  What is needed is compassion and understanding along with a calibrated moral compass.  That doesn't mean you should beat yourself up for a fleeting thought of vengeance or contempt.   These emotional triggers prove how human you are... and that's a beautiful thing. 

I've never felt that it's fair that some people must always be "the bigger person" and "take the high road" while other people intentionally hurt folks and act like emotional midgets... but that's the way it is.  Maybe that's the price of admission into the higher realms.

Francis's picture

if we're all one, then what others are doing is possibly meant to wake us up.  Upon reflection, how awake and aware of life's true mystery and beauty were any of us before we happened upon its opposite?  Sort of inspires pause, a pulling back instead of just going through the motions.  I don't have any real answers to this great mystery playing out before us but I'm beginning to see the error in judgment, and that's saying a lot as I was one of the most arrogant and judgmental young bastards around so I'm speaking from experience and not judging you in saying that Noa.  Reminds me of the Chinese story of the farmer and his son:

Anyway, I love your thoughtful responses Noa, you are always the logical voice of reason, and a part of me is always right there with you.  But wouldn't you consider that if these covert operations began in the forties or fifties or earlier then possibly that "Leave it to Beaver" moral compass is something that was cunningly crafted and something that we need to unlearn?  That perhaps maybe we need to unlearn everything and begin anew, wipe the slate clean (as far as judging what others do or have done) and chalk it all up to a learning experience.  I like the info I read that the Earth school has the quickest learning curve because it is the most difficult, and while it may be tempting to reach across and ring a neck when "they don't get it," wouldn't you say it takes a more evolved spirit to allow that other to learn his/her lessons at the pace their spirit deems sufficient?  Maybe the fact that these acts of others effect us so negatively is because deep down we know that we are capable of such things and it frightens us, or that at any point in our long countless lives we have in fact been the perpetrators of such violence (didn't Fred in fact reveal such a story of one of his past lives?) and we are ashamed and trying to counterbalance by taking the high moral road.  No easy answers that's for sure.  Most of the time lately I look at the world and feel as if I've only just been born, for such is my range of wisdom, yet also my state of wonder.  We are the toddlers of the universe, and before we pounce on one another, let us consider sharing our shovels to build yet bigger and grander castles.

With great love for you my sister,


Noa's picture

I understand where you're coming from, Francis and yes, it's likely there are some past life skeletons in all our closets.  And the 50s weren't perfect.  Many perverse behaviors existed, but they played out behind closed doors.

"Maybe the fact that these acts of others effect us so negatively is because deep down we know that we are capable of such things and it frightens us, or that at any point in our long countless lives we have in fact been the perpetrators of such violence."

I maintain that these horrific acts affect us so negatively because they are sadistic, cruel, and just plain wrong.   Maybe I'm in denial, but I have searched my soul many times and have been unable to find one shred of inclination towards these nasty, evil behaviors.  I don't understand how anyone can, and I don't need anymore examples of how NOT to be.  I live with love, kindness, and compassion.  It's deeply embedded in my soul.  For me, there's no other way to be.

Jesus had one of the strongest moral compasses of all time.  And although the Bible tells us to judge not lest we be judged, Jesus lovingly blessed those that caused harm while he condemned their wrongful acts.  Had we really listened to and embodied his living words instead of focusing on his bloody crucifician for all these centuries, the world would be a much more loving place.

It is said that we have been given free will to make our own choices.  I think that if this "prime directive" were not in place, the Almighty Creator would be pulling the reins on that which is not of goodness and light and those that embrace darkness would be banished so they could do no harm.

Brian's picture

Why do people do really sick things? I'm not happy to admit that I was abused as a kid and it does things to you. If someone was abused worse than I was, I could see where they would feel a compulsion to abuse others. In my small town I had two classmates growing up who each had really terrible parents-just awful. The two of them fit the definition of losers in most peoples minds. In high school, I was keeping an eye on my girlfriends parents house while they were all away for the summer. One day I walked in and found all the sinks and tubs running over, everything damaged and overturned and worst of all-human shit smeared all over. It only took me a second to realize it was one of those two guys-he lived directly across the street. He surely knew they were away, he may have been jealous I dated this girl and I knew he was damaged goods from years of knowing him.  A year or two later, an old beater of a car drove up to me while I was walking and it was those two sad guys-they had found each other for company. As soon as I laid eyes on them, I knew they were in deep. They radiated an evil, this awful sense of sick souls doing sick things. I felt so sad for them because I had known them since they were little boys and here they were- two despairing vagabonds at age 19. I suspected and still do they were capable of great cruelty and probably murder. Many years earlier I had been sometime friends with them-we had sleepovers in one boys barn-really fun until they started drinking wildly at age 12 or something and I had to pull away from them. I caught a few stories of how their parents hurt them-sadistic parents! Is there anything worse than that? If there is a purpose to their suffering and cruelty I hope it's to teach us the value of love. If they play a role in a great scheme to instruct us-they have made an incredible sacrifice to play this role. I never thought about it that way before just now. Now if I can only learn to love Dick Cheney for being such a ___________

Noa's picture

Bless you for sharing that candid view of your childhood, Brian.  My childhood was shitty too and I've endured more than enough physical and emotional abuse for several lifetimes, so I hear you loud and clear.

I don't know why certain people get an uneven heaping of Shinola while others seem to lead charmed lives.  For me personally, there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to my hardships.  That's why I've given up on the "Law of Attraction."   The crap I've received over the years has never been equal to the love and good intentions I've put out.  I've chalked it up to bad karma... and not to pay me back for anything I've done in this lifetime.  God knows I've tried my best to live an honest, compassionate life.  Maybe I was a real S.O.B. in another life.  If so, I don't know why I can't find that dark place inside me that so many of you here seem to relate to.  Don't get me wrong... I'm not a saint.  I just live according to my own personal truth... for better or worse.

Along those lines, I'd like to say that many people had horribly abusive upbringings and did not turn to murder, drugs, or other crimes.  Sure, ones environment plays a huge role in shaping who we become, but in the end it's about who we are inside and the choices we make.

Hi guys,

I remember that the hardest thing for me to understand with the whole taking responsibility for everything in our lives/reality, was the one do you hold some small abused kid responsibile for what happened to them?......

I couldn't see it until among other things I started to understand that things here are not what they became clear my "judgements" were impaired......pain, evil, death....what are they?.....I know when I go the dentist that my mind adds pain way over and above the actual pain I should feel yet I enjoy tattooing on myself and I'll almost go faint if the doctor has to draw blood....what is pain?...through my Swami I have learned that the "majority" of pain I feel is created in my mind/fears/projections.......what I feel is not black and white, same for I act  is not black and white, "no other choice"......I really do create my reality.....within this bigger reality, this one that trips us out and we are all connected to......that if I judge I just seem to get lost in....

Deeper I don't believe pain or death are actually "real", they are all perceptions of, and they all have my input as a major aspect of them...and that is where we have to take responsibility for's not about "what they were" that we need to take responsibility......your not responsible for what happened but you could like any other moment in your life...choose any of a thousand different ways to react, feel or percieve any and everything ...your responsible for seeing it the way you saw it, for feeling what you felt, for reacting the way you did, your responsible for dealing with it, becoming aware of it or for burying it and waiting for it to color your sight and influence your actions tomorrow......why do we "come across" such experiences? Karma the culprit?

So what is and how does Karma work?......can't actually tell you cause I didn't finish the course...hehe...bit I know it bears little resemblance to the western perception of.....I know it can be broken up into 3 aspects and that only one of those will deal with past is highly and near imposible I would imagine for a past life or lives to be able to dominate your karma in this life....but as I said, will get back to the course at some point....Swami has left it open indefinitely for me...his goal of course being that I don't need it or maybe by not doing it I am "being" more?....but yeah...

If I wanted to learn how to play golf I could buy some clubs, go to the park, then a course, work hard over the next 20 years and I might become an OK golfer.....or instead of trying to re-invent the wheel myself at my own pace blah, blah I could go to a gold professional and if dedicated with the right teacher/guide for me within 2 years, at my new own pace, I could probably be a better golfer than the 20 year slog.....

If anyone wants a guide/teacher for karma, and as Fred spoke of on another post, things like kriya or kundalini.....there are spiritual pro's out is Dr Jonn Mumford....a Swami/guru who in old age has developed his teachings specifically for the web and online learning....they are not free but I would think priceless if they are the sorts of things you are searching for.....basically awareness of the self......

Fred has as we all know some awesome material on blame and responsibility and it's always worth running over it occassionally if victim mentality is kickin in.....don't get me wrong...I love a bit of the old victim thing but the meds I recently went on for "depression", never tried before, are actually family doctor of 30 years, the clinic is at the end of the court I live in...was blown away when I described the effect of the see the effect was annoying me Lol...if I start the victim poor me thing the drug wont let me get into it...I don't get the buzz....I don't feel anything...couldn't really cry.....I always cry..Lol.....and it sucks cause all my victim rationalization and justifcations just collapse and then I'm sitting there feelin depressed but totally unable to feel it so I just have to move on to something else...shitty as hey? one had ever described that to my doctor before and this totally expressionless guy for thirty years started pumping his arms in the air saying "finally you get one right, because thats exactly what it was supposed to do"......still not sure how I feel about not "feeling" this bit of me but am starting to see it like a bad habbit....I reckon victim is going to be an easier habit to break than smoking, and I am not kidding.....cigarette's are the worst...if I try to quit I turn total crazy nutter behind the wheel...sometimes I will yell and scream abuse until I just have to laugh at the shit I am coming up fun!...unless the other car catches on, then these days it is just dangerous and stupid.....but hey...nothin wrong with just venting if it helps.....hehe

Much love all thanks for sharing your journeys, warts and all.....


Nynia Chance's picture

First of all, Noa, Rainbow Connection has been in my brain for weeks!

KnightSpirit: Dear heavens what beautiful pictures, thank you!  I've bookmarked your site so I can use them for visualization - I almost said meditation, but just seeing them is a meditation!

Brian: I am so sorry for what you and all children have endured in currents of darkness.  I've been meditating on darkness lately, and trying to see if there isn't a way to heal the background "radiation" of it in the planet.  Because it seems like a cycle with a life of its own, that we just get caught up in.  Maybe we form agreements, maybe we on some soul level choose to participate in it, and maybe there's very important lessons we learn from it.  But I've learned in life that pain hurts, and that maybe there's better ways for us to learn.  I feel like it's time to thank the darkness for the benefits we have gained while it has coexisted with us, wish its energies all the best in wherever they are needed next, and lovingly send them forward as our paths diverge...

Jez: I was on antidepressents for a while as one of the many things the doctors tried to help end my Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome.  I was also having depression episodes as responses to the physiological symptoms.  They didn't help me feel less sick, and I didn't like how I would still get depressive thoughts, but they would seem perfectly normal thanks to the antidepressants...  I quit cold-turkey and felt much better in feeling awful!

Brian's picture

 You can count me as one who took antidepressants too. I stopped after i couldn't afford them a couple of years ago(though I feared becoming seriously depressed) and actually I have 3 things I want to say

-one-I think they can work by giving a relief from mental anguish/ tho it wears off after a while

-two-it made all my emotions dull. I felt numb. I stopped crying completely for years. It became my new normal to be desensitized to me and others feelings. I eventually missed feeling emotions-I'm creative and had little creative impulse anymore.  Now it's back and my emotions are back...

-three-you can gain weight, it can effect appreciation of subtle things, you may not care about things you cared about before.

suggest you make a reminder on the calendar to re-evaluate your emotional sensitivity. Taper off if you decide to stop, I tapered off by taking a less effective (and cheaper) med and you may need to experiment to find a best antidepressant (tho it sounds like u have one that works?)

Noa's picture

My Osteopath put me on Zoloft after she couldn't cure my physical pain.  After a month on it, I decided I didn't want to put my brain on drugs, so I quit the Z and started taking St. John's Wort instead.  It lifted me out of my funk without the addiction or side effects.

St. John's Wort isn't meant for long-term use (it can eventually damage the liver or kidneys, I think), but it might be enough to help you over the hump.  It did me.

Anything that stimulates the endorphins will help... like eating chocolate... or bungee jumping.

tscout's picture

      Like upon re-entering the US a couple of weeks ago.....i have never felt so out of place in my life !! But I have never had any bouts that lasted more than a couple of weeks,,,so have never even considered taking any medication for it....Depression, to me, is just the deep end of an emotion,,,just as happiness can be,,,just another extreme example of duality....obviously it can be dangerous, but I still think it is better to experience it, being very careful not to drown in it........then, just maybe,,,you can change some pattern that seems to lead you there

lightwins's picture

I often see a pattern where people have more beta on the right side of their brain in both the central and frontal lobes of the brain than in the central area on the left. When I see this pattern, if I ask them, "In your experience does it seem that you are listless, lacking in motivation and/or depressed?" Their answer is generally, "Yes."

The Brainwave Optimization that I do will tend to repattern this and alevieate these symptoms of imbalance. But some form of neurofeedback is certainly not the only way to shift these patterns. Catching oneself in the thought patterns of depressive darkness, and stopping that, putting the narrative aside, and forcing oneself to smile broadly, openning the eyes wide (as if in wonder or awe), and raising the brow (as if pleasantly surprised or amused) and sustaining that facial gesture, will activate the neural pattens of a "bright clarity," or a "bemused detachment." If, while making this face, a person pays attention to the way it feels both in their body and their mind, they are mapping a different neural pattern with their higher brain functions and thereby, helping to integrate it.

Research has shown that if we practice any such new, neural pattern for three days we notonly stimulate the neural activity in these neural networks, we also stimulate these nerves to grow, make new connections and, eventually, get mylenated. (Mylenated or insulated nerves are both more nuanced rather than just on or off, and they carry approximately 100 times as much information per unit of time.)

Research has shown that mindfulness meditation stimulates the neuronal patterns in the prefrontal cortex associated with an earned secure attachment: clarity, short-term memory, consequential thinking, focus, planning, affect regulation and inhibitory activity (having enough space and ease in your being, at the moment, to consider how to respond, rather than react when a sensitive spot gets touched).

Exercise, chi gung, yoga, a good movie will readily shift our attention, and focus for a sufficient period of time to significantly alter our state. If we don't immediately re-create our old familiar hell-mind by returning to the narative of it, within 8 minutes the neurochemisty of our upset settles out and clears...

The new frontier for us, IMHO, is working skillfully with our neuro-plasticity to cultivate the states that correspond with being awake, compassionate, kind, playful and wise and minimize our states associated with our conditioned adaptation to polarized duality and separation.

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