Hello everyone,
My father passed away around August 2012 after getting ill around April and succumbing to asbestos-related lung cancer at 70 years old. We always had a quiet but strong relationship, where a lot of things were understood but left unsaid. We didn't really get to having a close talk before he passed away, which I regret., I didn't get very emotional, though I did go through a mild grieving process.
Shortly after his passing, I started having dreams where I would be sitting down somewhere telling my mom and dad about something, and I would suddenly stop and look at my dad and say, "Hey, you're not supposed to be here!" And then he would grin and fade away, but I would be left with a sense of connection and joy - our quiet understanding.
These dreams continued for well over a year; it became a bit like a game, and also a cue for lucid dreaming. "Hey, I just saw my dad, I must be dreaming." Interestingly, my spiritual journey really took off around October of 2012, just a couple months after my dad's passing.
Just in the past few weeks, after completing the transformation course, my dreams with my dad took on a different sort of quality that left me feeling disturbed and compelled to share them here.
In one or two of the dreams, I noticed my dad was there, but my reaction to it had changed. I felt like our little game had overstayed its welcome, and his energy had a slightly desperate tone to it.
Then the last dream a couple weeks ago. I vaguely remember being somewhere with my mom, and then my dad burst through the door. Instead of a welcome happy surprise, his presence felt intrusive and almost pained. I looked to my mom, who appeared upset, then I went close to my dad. Only then I could see that he no longer looked alive and vibrant, but more like a zombie, with decay and fluids seeping out of cracks in his skin. This didn't cause fear, but a bit of shock, then sadness and compassion. I took him by the shoulders, looked him in the eyes, and quietly said, "It's ok, dad. We'll be fine. Go and rest now." He stared at me, quietly nodded, and went back out the door; and he hasn't appeared in my dreams since.
I feel like the interpretation is pretty simple; my subconscious was ready to move on from whatever support I was receiving by my father's regular appearances. I feel a bit disquieted by the energy of the last dream, and I suspect it's because I've been avoiding a complete closure process and have been shutting myself off from actively cherishing my father's memory. As I say this, I'm starting to tear up, so I know I've hit the jackpot.
My favourite memories of my father are of when he would bounce me on my knee or carry me on his shoulders, of pulling on his beard, of going cross-country skiing, snowmobiling, and fishing, of listening to him share his wisdom and sing his favourite songs. I miss him, and I wish we could have shared some close moments before he passed away. I feel like our dream meetings made up for it a little.
Incidentally, my mom has been experiencing many synchronicities; finding signed birthay, holiday, and anniversary cards throughout the house at the right time, the Christmas cactus blooming late in time for their anniversary, and rare birds coming to the window feeder when she's feeling discouraged.
I don't know what else to say, except that I felt like I needed to bring this up here. I feel such a poignant mix of pain, joy, longing, healing, peace, and regret, and I see that avoiding this cup will only forestall it, but it still must be drunk. Let it be done then in the company of friends and family, in memory of an amazing man. I ask that you join me in breathing sacred love in memory of our loved ones; past, present, and future.
Love, Trish
Thank you, Trish, that was beautiful, and I concur in breathing sacred love (and gratitude) in memory of our loved ones.
I'd like to just add something with respect to this paragraph of yours:
I feel like the interpretation is pretty simple; my subconscious was ready to move on from whatever support I was receiving by my father's regular appearances. I feel a bit disquieted by the energy of the last dream, and I suspect it's because I've been avoiding a complete closure process and have been shutting myself off from actively cherishing my father's memory. As I say this, I'm starting to tear up, so I know I've hit the jackpot.
Yes, I think you did hit the jackpot there. But in addition, I do feel that our departed loved ones may well have some volition of their own in appearances like this. We've heard that after death, loved ones may hang around family members and perhaps close friends who are not letting them go in some way, still needing them, thinking about them. And in your dream you told your father that he could go, and he hasn't visited you since.
All I mean to say here is that I don't think this whole thing has been confined to the workings of your subconscious, but that you actually communicated with your father and told him what he needed to hear. Then he actually did move on.
yes, thank you for sharing that powerful experience trish. you have some strong connections and vision. but we do all have our own journeys and paths to tread. reminds me of the song "ripple" by the grateful dead. there is a point where we must walk our own ways for awhile, but we will meet again. the emotional attachments are a blessing and a curse. and part of it comes down to our concept of that person/being/spirit and their need to move on and experience other realms of being/existence and try on other sets of clothes/appearances... but the essence is ALWAYS there.
i've had a similar sort of thing with the passing of our beloved dog, sasha. the year anniversary is coming up on the heels of st. valentine's day... her last day of work (2/18/2013) she was visited and cherished by dear old friends and one of penelope's (my wife) co-workers speaks with animals and had always wanted to talk to sasha in that way, but hadn't had the opportunity until that day. penelope was on the phone during their conversation, but she related things afterword. a few things were shared, but the most powerful was she said how much she loved us and that she was holding on until penelope was ready to let go. she'd been wrestling with cancer for awhile and we could tell she was in pain a lot but keeping up her image or "game face" and she was on chemo pills which were simultaneously helping her and killing her...
so penelope had an emotional moment and agreed that she was ready and that night sasha transitioned on. we had smoked and gotten high and passed out watching a movie, so you can imagine the feelings of disconnection and lack of presence which tortured us. i have the gift of hearing in the night when sasha was up and needing out, etc., so at 1:30 or so in the morning i could hear her up and pacing around making sort of dry-heaving sounds and here and there a sort of whimper/cry. i got up and let her out (it was COLD) and she was out there for awhile as i waited by the back door naked and freezing. finally i convinced her to come back in but she was still distressed. i KNEW somewhere in my mind what was happening and that she needed to go, so i sat with her for a bit and comforted her. i could tell she was keeping her heart beating through sheer will in wanting to have that closure with me, as well. i told her it was ok if she needed to go and that we loved her. then i went back to bed to let her have the space and time to do that. i heard her up and moving about again and heard another whimper. i lay there and tried to imagine a beautiful field of golden grass in the sun for her and went to sleep. the next morning it was still dark in our room but i could see her still form across her bed more sprawled out than curled up. i went about the house opening curtains and starting the day not wanting to acknowledge it yet until penelope got up and saw. we spent the morning with her body sharing stories and emotions and then drove down to denver to a family-owned crematorium for pets and shared a final moment with her former form there. we since have been spreading her ashes at all the places we hiked and camped together that were special to us.
i had a wonderful vision three days later when i had to get out of the house for a walk and i was looking for a sign. i rounded a corner to face west and the mountains and a beautiful cloud-filled sky approaching sunset. what i saw i have never... the clouds were MANY sashas running, jumping, laying there... i couldn't even count or keep track of them all. it only lasted a minute or so and i was so enraptured that i just wanted to immerse myself in the experience. my crappy little phone camera never would have captured it anyway. there have been many little signs and one more big one where from my vantage point on the sofa looking into the kitchen and the large picture window there i saw a huge sasha face made by the sun coming through and the shadows from the huge spruce tree out front. it was gently moving and smiling and subtly changing its expressions. truly amazing.
so, over the last nine years, that home we were in for four years was the longest we were at any residence and the only bedroom condusive to her having a bed in. and it was where she chose to be when she went. so special. so soft and yet so strong. in the last week we've had to move into an apartment and leave that place with all it's memories. i've had a real hard time with it because i know we have had challenges with attachment and letting go, and i don't want her spirit to be earthbound or lost or looking for us in places where we no longer dwell. so i will honor her all the more in my heart and carry her with me that way, but she has given several signs and messages to me that it's alright and to live life and love and laugh and smile...
we had dreams with her in them for awhile too, and they started to feel more like you said as time went on. if she would appear it was just that or she would seem more tired or enfeebled. contrarily, penelope had some later dreams where she was wildly invigorated and jumping and leaping to "such great heights"! i think it's all in what we need to hear or process and when we have the time and space to do that. for me, her message was that she appreciated my love and care, but there are others who need it as well and not to stop unfolding with my love for the world and its peoples. oh, this world.
"don't let the light go out" just came on the mix, so i know i'm on the right track here... and the tears have been flowing through it all. we need to let go of our attachment to the physical and our associations of SPIRITUAL limitation because of our reflections of the "hard" world around us.
thank you so much for helping us all to open up more to one another and share vulnerabilities and these powerful and personal experiences. loving you over and above and beyond the constraints of "time" and "space"... your brother, christopher
p.s. upon reflection, we DID have all those special moments and sharings and i don't regret any of it. i know we all just want to be more THERE for one another, so when days and weeks and months and years go by... we mistakenly think of all the missed opportunities and wastes of our time, etc. when the truth of it is that we did share in one another's essence and it's all the more special because of its fleeting beauty.
Both of your stories moved me to tears. I lost my big brother Tom in August to liver disease. Before he left us I went to to see him in hospice and it was nice but I just couldn't bring myself to talk to him about anything meaningful in relationship to his dying. You're not alone about leaving things unsaid.
After he died, (I'm sorry if I've told this before) I hoped and wondered if he would send me a sign somehow that he was with me. When I got back to North Carolina I was watching the stars with a friend and I saw a beautiful thing across the back yard. Shining thru tree branches slightly moving in a breeze, was a face made of glittering golden lights-little specs of bright light coalesced into a face and gazed into my eyes. It was so beautiful. There was no smile, but an alertness. I didn't react strongly, I just felt it was him and it felt so good. Several times, I have thought I felt his hand on my shoulder when I was feeling in a bad place, feeling hopeless. Each time was so unexpected that I felt obligated to try and cheer myself up and move forward. Thanks so much Trish for writing about your dad.
Brian
Dear Bob,
Thank you, intuitively I understand and agree with what you are saying. I sense that this is an example of how we co-create one another, rather than existing independently - he was there because I needed him to be, and vice versa. I also see (in a muddy way) how my prior ideas of life and death, and 'not believing in ghosts' have clouded my ability to perceive things more clearly.
I'm struck again by the illusion of time, space, and form, and by the creative power of our thoughts and beliefs. I have a sense of absolutely everything - infinite multiple dimensions of possibility - sitting behind the scenes of every moment, available for expression as thought or manifestation or connection. This includes the possibility of spirit beings attempting to connect with manifest beings in a way that they will recognize, and in doing so, enmeshing themselves with the thought and belief forms of the manifest being.
Relating this to my sense of disquiet over my father's state in my dream, there seems to be a responsibility I didn't before recognize, to peacefully acknowledge and release these attachments, and that there is a real spiritual consequence to not doing so. I have a greater respect now for the deeper purpose of death rituals and other rituals that I've previously dismissed.
Love,
Trish
Great post Trish,
I think when we are very close to someone who has died it just takes some time to accept it emotionally, even though we've totally accepted what's happened rationally. I never shed a tear for my sister after she died until 9 months after the fact.
Wishing you peace,
Wendy
Wow! I am so moved by the beautiful stories and emotions shared here! A wondering, incredibly giving friend and former lover of mine is on death's doorstep as we speak. She was an angel in life, and I know she'll be an angel here with me and with the many people who loved her once she steps completely over to the other side. Thank you all for sharing so beautifully from the heart.
Wishing you all much love and deep inner peace,
Fred
Thank you Chris, for your moving story about Sasha; our animal companions are really very special in their unconditional love and loyalty.
I think you're right too in your reflection about regret; it's easy to focus on the missed opportunities, but looking at the big picture you can remember the special moments and the opportunities that were taken, and the connection that still remains. I hope to move into more vulnerability with the family and friends that are still with me, but it won't happen if I keep getting hard on myself every time I see how far I have yet to go. How can I put my toe into the water a little deeper today?
Thank you Brian, for sharing your story about your brother Tom. I'm glad that his presence was made known to you in that way and brought you some comfort.
Trish
at the sub-atomic planck scale there is no distance. in Reality the thought of the departed being gone is an illusory senses-fashioned concept. nice to know we are so much closer to our "departed" loved ones than we realize - just a thought away...
"quantum nonlocality is a property of the universe that is independent of our description of nature"
what a trip!
it's true! the focus of thought powered my emotion has no velocity or drag (when clear). instantaneous connection with the object (or other). i suppose that's why the eighth chakra is referred to as "non-local", and our connection to our higher/greater/overself makes trivial the bounds of time and space.
thank you all for your wonderful sharings and acknowledgments. and thank you, trish, for adding a new energy that has helped loosen up some creative juices. together we are reflecting and refracting a greater truth from our shared perspectives. let the sun shine!
p.s. had a string of synchronous visions yesterday that got my attention... more cloud images as well. seeing them from "both sides now"!
Hello everyone,
Since my last post, I'm aware that I've had a lot more dreams involving my father, but I'm having difficulty recalling the details. In fact, I've been having a hard time recalling any dream details or even regular memories with clarity lately, and even in the waking state it feels constantly like a soft blanket has enveloped my head. I've also had body aches and face/head/neck tension for weeks; it's like the start of a head cold that never progresses. I've been speculating that it might have something to do with chemtrails, but I think the responsibility is a lot more in my court; lack of exercise and spiritual self-care is taking its toll. That's also why I haven't been posting as much lately; I can't seem to find the mental or spiritual energy to bring the level presence and consciousness that I would like to the message board, so I've just been silently reading.
Anyways, what I do remember of the dreams involving my dad is that the energy has been a lot softer; more intimate and caring, and we've been having more of a one-on-one dialog. All of the details have been stripped out of my conscious memory, but the feeling I have is that there's been some bonding and maybe even training of some kind. In one of the dreams I remember him telling me things and singing me songs that only my mom would know and I wouldn't know, but now I don't remember any of the content, so I can't test it out by asking my mom about it. :-)
I still haven't finished reading Seth Speaks, but I reached the part where he talks about dreams and the possibility that the most important work we do is in the deep sleep state, and that gets translated to our dream experience, which gets further impressed on our subconscious and conscious, and *we* decide to deliberately fuzz out details at the conscious level. So I trust that my recent dream amnesia is for a very good purpose, although I wish my dreams and memories were as clear as daylight! Enough to tell myself that to my deepest self, it *is* clear, and the one who wants it to be clear is just a small portion of a greater awareness.
Peace to you all!
- a fuzzy-headed Trish
Hi Trish. I just took a powerful dream workshop where just two participants dreams were examined and discussed. I was lucky to have my dream discussed-from the night before. Afterward, I was telling the group that as I was waking from the end of the dream, I decided I HAD to remember it and suddenly became aware of a string of dreams that preceeded it. I could not see them clearly enough to remember them. They slipped thru my fingers as I grasped for them! These earlier dreams were disappearing into the sky above me (I was lucid inside my last dream), I saw a portal closing there and a Minotaur stood inside it gazing down at me as it closed shut! But when I tried to tell my workshop friends this detail I was suddenly overcome with emotion. I couldn't even tell them how deeply profound the Minotaur was. I just burst into tears. I knew something life-changing, enormous had been shown to me and that it was a gift. I had seen that he was one of many mythological creatures and symbols inside my deepest sleep/ this had been happening during my whole lifetime/ I had NEVER EVER remembered this level of dreaming before / I was being taught many things there / beings share things with me-maybe my departed loved ones/ this was profoundly important to my soul/ and more I can't express! I wonder if you may have also glimpsed this 'cosmic' level of dreaming now with it's apparent amnesia
. The workshop leader took me aside afterwards and said she believed I had experienced a cosmic dream and handed me a couple of pages of beautiful paintings overlaid with short statements about cosmic dreams. She seemed to be saying this was important and rare. Maybe you're seeing an amnesia we have around our most vital dreaming? Oh, and I also realised then I also do lucid dreaming all the freaking time-I just didn't realise it. I'm sorry this is so self-involved but I never knew before now that dreams could be so important
Thanks for sharing, Brian, that's amazing! Very rarely I'll have a dream with an immense amount of clarity and I'll remember it as well, and those ones usually have profound meaning. I also suspect that I lucid dream more often than I remember.
I feel freshly inspired to set an intention like you say to remember my dreams, and keep a journal on hand. I also had a clear sense, while sitting quietly tonight, that those realms, and more besides, are also available during the waking state, which gives me a peculiar sense of lucid dreaming while awake. :-)
I want to be careful not to treat dreaming as a form of escapism entertainment; right now I see it as sacred work that I want to move into with more clarity and intention, and to bring that same awareness and sacred intention more into my daily life as well.
Peace,
Trish
Awesome stuff. I don't think you can break anything by not taking things seriously. That comes from glimpsing that there is much more going on that I can't even reach! But I want to honor the dreams too...I dunno. Yeah-I think I was forgetting my lucid dreams too BTW, and love having this lucidity now because I can LIVE in my dream. I don't think I'm trying to control the dreams, just enjoying experiencing them. Listen, I had another powerful dream recently. It was a long, involved dream where I was part of a team of people (dressed in white race car drivers suits (luckily I was in shape in the dream-haha). We were self-directed to bring about a safe contact between humans and ET's. In the final part of the dream, people who had been abducted were returning boing! all around us outdoors as we felt something big was about to happen. They were just popping into existence as we walked into a field in a valley. We were outside on magnificent sunset-lit farmland. Suddenly, streaks of light started to shoot across the darkening sky (ET protective craft patrolling a landing area I knew) and then? SUDDENLY, EVERYTHING BECAME HYPER-REAL!!! It happened when a strange craft swept in dramatically to land about 70 feet away. I was thunderstruck by the most beautiful colors of everything in view, the clearest vision of my life, and how the air vibrated with the presence of this divine ET craft and important moment. Everyone was so overwhelmed that they fell to the ground! It felt like beings far closer to GOD were with us. Everything was vibrating with aliveness and electric with presence and meaning and I can only say it was a stunning, profound experience and a great gift. I woke up suddenly from this magnificent hyper-reality in a whole and contented state not at all disappointed the landing and following events were interrupted! I couldn't stop smiling. To be lucid in a hyper-real dream of great emotion and content-woohoo!
Wow, Brian. I seldom remember my dreams and when I do, they're little symbolic snapshots that make little sense.
I think that you have a real gift when it comes to dreaming. Maybe you should consider sharing it somehow with others -- by blogging, writing a book, joining a discussion group, etc.
you mean like he just did. here.
No, I meant more than that, Starmonkey. And are you mocking me?
you two are hilarious! I liked when Noa seemed to call you a starmonkey! I am LOL. Thanks for the kind words Noa. Except for a few occassions especially when I was very young, I rarely recalled my dreams and they seemed super dull for at least the last 25 years. I had totally given up on dreams as being important or meaningful. A funny thing happened. Even though I'd stopped volunteer work at the Rhine Center, out of the blue, I was asked to video a lucid dream talk and then someone else asked me to attend two different dream workshops (and for free cuz they knew I didn't have the bucks-they even set up transport for me)...and dreams started to happen-it triggered something. It's feels connected to the fact I'm getting more psychic lately. Or rather, it seems more like I'm learning to recognise psychic stuff that I've always had but thought was just coincidence or something. Precognition mostly.
I wonder if I'll see my recently passed brother, Trish. I miss him and wish I could have a dream and see him again. Ok-a happy dream I should say...
Your dream sounds really interesting, Brian. I'm starting to see that becoming more sensitive and available to listening to our dreams and practicing lucid dreaming and astral projection is directly related to also being more available and sensitive to psychic energy and alternate states of consciousness in the waking state. All these different subtle dimensions and states - we go into them all the time but don't realize what they are, we just skim over them because they are so familiar and seemingly ordinary, our brain doesn't even bother registering the experiences into memory.
I hope that you do get to meet your brother, Brian - maybe you already have been in your dreams, but for whatever reason your physical memory hasn't registered it. Or maybe you will see him all around you when you are awake, like my mom does with my dad - in the birds outside, hearing his voice, events playing out in a certain way.
I have a sense that I have very strong psychic abilities, maybe we all do, but there's some instinct from my childhood, past lives, or whatever, that has made me choose to automatically clam up and shut myself off from other people and energies. My self-made prison! Something in me is afraid of giving up that sense of control, of the vulnerability that comes from being open and one with the energies and thoughts of the moment; the big fear and belief is that some experiences and energies are so intense that they're traumatic and overwhelming. I don't like feeling uncomfortable and out of control, so I carefully control my environment and I have social personas that I put on like a life jacket when I talk with people I'm not comfortable with.
I want to open up more, but don't know how to deconstruct those defenses and barriers I put up once for my own protection. And as much as I say that I want to be more vulnerable, I really like my comforting coccoon! How does a sensitive soul function in this world without defenses? I imagine that I would be an emotional wreck, swept along by the waves of the energies around me. Does anyone else here operate from that level of sensitivity, any advice?
"How does a sensitive soul function in this world without defenses?" We need defenses! I've gradually seen my need for them fall off some as I find my way. Having self compassion and being gentle with yourself is the key. My intuition says you are loaded with empathy (like many people at the Gspot) and end up feeling others emotions which is extremely confusing to the mind. I used to get angry with myself for feeling anxious or fearful or sad because there was no apparent reason for it. As you learn when it's other peoples emotions you are 'channeling' so to speak, you can learn to set up bubbles of protection around you to filter it or attenuate it and then it just gets easier over time because when you see it's not yours, you can drop it. I think your fear around psychic functioning is only fear. Fear is just a thought. You can be psychic as hell and be at peace in your life. There are a lot of movies that depict psi as some kind of loose cannon-an extreme and unpredictable mechanism. (Like the movie 'Carrie'). I'm not saying that while a gift unfolds you might not have some discomfort or something. Having a friend or two who know their own psychic functioning and who you can talk with helps enormously to identify your own gifts. Some people claim you have a fixed amount of psi gift and you can only get better by developing it. Others say you can increase your gifts. I'm on the fence. I have been feeling greater connection with people I care about. For instance, I am gradually learning to identify when someone is thinking of me(started one day when I realised my sister and brother in law were praying for me-I just had a strong hunch-I called her up and they were!) That gave me confidence. Each time I learn something new or learn a new coping mechanism for what used to puzzle and annoy me about myself, I relax a little more. Lately the relaxing is more pronounced and so I have more resources for the gentle work of guiding myself. I can remember to let my body relax or stop and be grateful or halt and examine a fear so I can be free of it. Things don't seem so damned important at work as they used to. I enjoy people more. I liked this thing Anette Carlstrom said “Don’t be afraid to face your inner suffering!”. I paraphrase her by saying 'meet', instead of 'face' which sounds more daunting. If you face your feelings(maybe not as hard as people think) you can face anything. My own inner fears spring from a beautiful and understandable child in me, not some demon I thought I'd meet. Inner examination is another thing depicted as dangerous by movies-LOL.
Love, Brian
Thanks so much for your comments, Brian. I came to a similar realization a couple of days ago; I've been treating my anxieties and defenses as undesirable baggage, annoying, shameful even; "I should be a point where I'm comforatble in these situations", "what's wrong with me", etc. It's so clear when I see the self-talk - I'm not accepting that fear, anxiety, and defenses are a part of my life. From my own transformation work, I completely agree with meeting the uncomfortable feeling that comes up and examining it while accepting it, welcoming it, and cradling it like a child. I think I just needed to hear it again and recognize that this particular struggle is no different; it just happens to be a more deeper-seated resistance. You're right that my fears around it are just thoughts, and I've been believing them.
Over the past few days, my social anxiety has kicked up quite a bit; it kind of goes dormant for a few months and picks up again when I'm under stress. While experiencing the anxiety, I decided to drop whatever labels I had about the feeling and just explore it. After just a couple of minutes, it lost the association of painfulness and it turned into something else - vulnerability and sensitivity. I started to see that maybe what I label as anxiety might actually be an invitation to operate at a different energetic level and a more receptive state.
After experimenting with it a bit just now, I relaxed considerably and was aware of more subtle energies. I relaxed more to the point of starting to dream but not being asleep; as soon as I noticed it, I became more conscious and realized that the image of my winter boots had come up. I dipped into a light dream state again and this time saw a black circle with an arrow running along the right side of the circle, pointing to the upper-right. No idea if either of those have any meaning, but it was a great confirmation that the shift in perspective helps. This being one of my first times playing with this, I could see that my mind was pretty excited and wanting to watch out for anything that might appear so it could record it. I can see how, with practice, this will settle down and relax a bit more.
Thank you again, and take care!
Love, Trish