My father passed away around August 2012 after getting ill around April and succumbing to asbestos-related lung cancer at 70 years old. We always had a quiet but strong relationship, where a lot of things were understood but left unsaid. We didn't really get to having a close talk before he passed away, which I regret., I didn't get very emotional, though I did go through a mild grieving process.
Shortly after his passing, I started having dreams where I would be sitting down somewhere telling my mom and dad about something, and I would suddenly stop and look at my dad and say, "Hey, you're not supposed to be here!" And then he would grin and fade away, but I would be left with a sense of connection and joy - our quiet understanding.
These dreams continued for well over a year; it became a bit like a game, and also a cue for lucid dreaming. "Hey, I just saw my dad, I must be dreaming." Interestingly, my spiritual journey really took off around October of 2012, just a couple months after my dad's passing.
Just in the past few weeks, after completing the transformation course, my dreams with my dad took on a different sort of quality that left me feeling disturbed and compelled to share them here.
In one or two of the dreams, I noticed my dad was there, but my reaction to it had changed. I felt like our little game had overstayed its welcome, and his energy had a slightly desperate tone to it.
Then the last dream a couple weeks ago. I vaguely remember being somewhere with my mom, and then my dad burst through the door. Instead of a welcome happy surprise, his presence felt intrusive and almost pained. I looked to my mom, who appeared upset, then I went close to my dad. Only then I could see that he no longer looked alive and vibrant, but more like a zombie, with decay and fluids seeping out of cracks in his skin. This didn't cause fear, but a bit of shock, then sadness and compassion. I took him by the shoulders, looked him in the eyes, and quietly said, "It's ok, dad. We'll be fine. Go and rest now." He stared at me, quietly nodded, and went back out the door; and he hasn't appeared in my dreams since.
I feel like the interpretation is pretty simple; my subconscious was ready to move on from whatever support I was receiving by my father's regular appearances. I feel a bit disquieted by the energy of the last dream, and I suspect it's because I've been avoiding a complete closure process and have been shutting myself off from actively cherishing my father's memory. As I say this, I'm starting to tear up, so I know I've hit the jackpot.
My favourite memories of my father are of when he would bounce me on my knee or carry me on his shoulders, of pulling on his beard, of going cross-country skiing, snowmobiling, and fishing, of listening to him share his wisdom and sing his favourite songs. I miss him, and I wish we could have shared some close moments before he passed away. I feel like our dream meetings made up for it a little.
Incidentally, my mom has been experiencing many synchronicities; finding signed birthay, holiday, and anniversary cards throughout the house at the right time, the Christmas cactus blooming late in time for their anniversary, and rare birds coming to the window feeder when she's feeling discouraged.
I don't know what else to say, except that I felt like I needed to bring this up here. I feel such a poignant mix of pain, joy, longing, healing, peace, and regret, and I see that avoiding this cup will only forestall it, but it still must be drunk. Let it be done then in the company of friends and family, in memory of an amazing man. I ask that you join me in breathing sacred love in memory of our loved ones; past, present, and future.